Milestones of Moving On (?)

[burned]

I'm going to show up at their door and let it loose!

I want to be there to see it. No, but seriously, don't.

Then there's also that song about Sandcastles but DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT.

Don't worry, you'll never catch me listening to Beyonce so we're safe here.

I'm definitely gonna have to figure out what the "crazy" length of time is relative to this. 6 months? 1 year? I know nobody knows.

The nice thing is, YOU get to decide. And judging by your posts the last couple of days, I think I can say two things for certain: 1) the time is not now, and 2) you've got a lot of fight left in you. Your H should consider himself a very lucky man.

I don't think anyone should EVER have to hut this badly. It aint right!!

Amen!

Denial is the blindfold so that you think you're eating beef. Once you're done with the meal, you don't need the blindfold.

I think I get what you mean by this but could you explain a little more, burned? Is it like, giving myself false hope by denying the truth is just to protect myself emotionally until I can actually handle/accept the truth fully?

Yeah and I've been kicking that idea around all day. I don't know that it's anything you give yourself, and it doesn't really have to do with hope. I think the idea is that on some level you know you're eating elephant, but if you took the blindfold off right now you'd puke and then you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. So keep it on, keep chewing, pretend it's beef because that's what it takes. For now. Later on you'll get to brag about the elephant you ate. And you'll be proud of yourself for having eaten it. Because 80% of people would take one bite, rip off the blindfold, puke a bunch, and then hunt down the ashhole who fed then elephant meat. And now I'm kicking a dead horse. Dead elephant?

IIIIII justthinkIcouldalsodothatwithsomeonebymysideandnotalone.

Did you mean to type this without spaces? It looks kind of cool. And yeah, you could do it with someone by your side. But not anyone. Either H or nobody. Otherwise it sounds a lot like codependency, and then you'll have to go to some silly group and sit on an old couch and talk to strangers for an hour every Tuesday night.

Oh, now we're getting to the good part.

I don't want to be this strong and actually give H his space and it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to him.

FFFFFFffffffffffffffffuuuuuuunnnnnnk that. If you are who you claim to be and OW is who she claims to be, and she's the best thing that ever happened to him? NO. Because that implies that you're a donkey turd, which you do not appear to be. Or that OW is so great that she's better than you. Which I find hard to believe. Right here I see an area where you need to make some changes to how you think/talk about yourself. That kind of subtle comparison stuff is bad and I know it because I was there. And

I'm still in the place you were a while back, burned

I noticed that today, too. It's like you're only 2 steps behind me so I can see very clearly what might help you. I try not to be too in-your-face about it but that's sort of how I am, so take it or leave it. And maybe this doesn't make you feel any better, but it's really nice to look back on where I was and see the progress. Keep following, you'll catch up.

"Is this really MLC or is H just an A-hole that hid it really well and/or used me for 9 years?"

If you want the ultra "bro" explanation, go to YT and type "Jocko Willink move on." I'll let him do the rest of the talking on this issue.

I do feel like I'm an awesome person but I feel like I wasn't able to prove that to H

You don't have to prove anything to him or to anyone. If he didn't see it then he had his head so far up his rectum that I'm surprised he could still breathe.

I have had a lot of guilt lately about things I DID do wrong. The mind is a crazy thing because I remember there being times where I questioned whether he was the one for me, and admittedly getting a little too comfortable and maybe not keeping everything "light and happy", instead expecting him to change certain things in order for me to be happy. Not that I wasn't trying, because I've got countless examples of that...but now that he's gone (and now that I understand more about the dynamics of these things) I wish I hadn't let the gaps in what he was giving ME affect me so much. Clearly I was willing to accept those things and stay committed to the M, in any case, and I did still feel happy, not "stuck"...

Some of what you've said reflects shame, as opposed to guilt. Shame is a real nuisance. But guilt, in the right doses, can be highly motivating. So use that guilt as fuel. You can't go back and do it over but you can become the kind of person, who at age 30, is wiser than most of the 50-year-olds out there. Keep that in mind next time someone derisively calls you a millennial.

I need - and deserve - support and commitment and forgiveness and understanding and alllllll of the things, too.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING! Run with that. What else does TJT want and need? Validation from the current version of H? Thanks but no thanks. Validation from strangers on the internet? Maybe. Validation from herself, because she is a good person regardless of what anyone else thinks? Yeah, that. Tap into whatever it is that excites you and makes you think, yup, maybe I'm bad at [something everyone is bad at] but I'm really good at [the thing you're good at and very few other people are]. Therefore, I, whose real-life name is TJT because that's a name now, am an awesome person.

he (and OW) just don't know what those things are that they're not good at yet. But obviously I'M living in a fantasy land if I believe they will never surface. They undoubtedly will.

THIS. It may take years but it's pretty much a guaranteed outcome.

Literally EVERYTHING was reminding me of H and I even saw two decorative items side by side where one was H's initial and the other (a completely separate item) said "memories". I mean WTF, thanks universe.

Just now I was doing a puzzle with my mom. It's a map of the city I grew up in, where W and I lived for a couple years. I'm looking at all these place names thinking, Oh do you remember the time she and I went there, blah blah blah. It's not the universe. The universe is a cold and uncaring conglomeration of atoms. YOU are doing that to yourself. Catch yourself when it happens and replace those thoughts with other thoughts. Picture yourself eating an elephant.

I feel all this pressure to make it a better year and I'm just afraid it won't be. Also, me and H's dating anniversary (before we got married) used to be New Year's, because I vividly remember that the first time we spent New Year's together was the night I really felt in love with him, after probably 6 months of seeing each other (yeah, it took a while, which is why this hurts that much more to lose it). And now of course I wonder if H and OW are having some super romantic "2019 is the start of OUR new life" celebration. Puke.

Yep, one of my first thoughts this morning was, "I wonder who W will kiss tonight." Puke is right.

"Barn's burned down now / I can see the moon" - Mizuta Masahide

Despite my username, I will not accept the blame for that. But now I'm curious about Japanese poetry and I'll have to drag down to B&N and buy another book. Thanks a lot.