Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Marathon. You've had a rough couple of days but it won't be like this forever.

I hate marathons and I'm tenacious as they come, but also impatient.. a point Yail hit on on your thread a bit ago, too. I'm starting to think I don't have it in me to come out of this without turning crazy and saying F it, I'm going to show up at their door and let it loose! hah.

Like Beyonce said: "What's worse, looking jealous or crazy, jealous and crazy? Oh I like being walked all over lately, I'd rather be crazy."

Then there's also that song about Sandcastles but DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT.

You feel great once you adjust, and you know that it's not cold enough to kill you unless you stay in it for something crazy like 7 minutes.

I'm definitely gonna have to figure out what the "crazy" length of time is relative to this. 6 months? 1 year? I know nobody knows.

Almost like they stole our faith in humanity. (The older/wiser people here tell me that it's not worth worrying about, that that, too, will improve.)

EXACTLY like they stole our faith in humanity. And ourselves. And everything. I do believe time will make this better and there are other things in the past I can look back on to prove it. But I've never been hurt this badly before and I don't think anyone should EVER have to hut this badly. It aint right!!

Denial is the blindfold so that you think you're eating beef. Once you're done with the meal, you don't need the blindfold.

I think I get what you mean by this but could you explain a little more, burned? Is it like, giving myself false hope by denying the truth is just to protect myself emotionally until I can actually handle/accept the truth fully?

2019 will be a better year. It has to be.

I really cannot determine how to think of 2019. I really wish I could just fast forward through the year, if I'm honest, just so I can know. It's so sad that I would trade a year (or maybe even two!) of living my life just to see where H will be at in that time. It's not that I'm not looking forward to things, and I know I NEED that time to learn more about what life should be for me. IIIIII justthinkIcouldalsodothatwithsomeonebymysideandnotalone.

Yail had to remind me of something I said myself MONTHS ago, which is that detachment is the ultimate validation. They want space, you give them space. That action speaks much louder than words. I don't think it goes unnoticed, either.

This is a good one...I just hope you guys are right I don't want to be this strong and actually give H his space and it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. Yes I want him to be happy but I'm still in the place you were a while back, burned, where I think I could still be the one to do that and he just doesn't know exactly how much loyalty and commitment he's giving up!

I fear that many of them won’t ever “come out of it” because they don’t see themselves as being IN anything.

(Sorry for the hijack, TJT, but hopefully some of that resonates regarding you and H?)

Yes, exactly. Essentially for me, this is that argument of "Is this really MLC or is H just an A-hole that hid it really well and/or used me for 9 years?"

I guess I'll just have to hear him out to see what perspective he's gained if/when that time comes!

If she comes back, I'll need to remember that she was doing what she felt was right at the time. If she doesn't, I'll have to let go of the idea that another person's actions are always chosen based on how they won't or won't affect me.

This is a helpful and a great explanation for why we can consider taking back someone who does these things. While it seems obvious that their actions are hurtful to us, and that they knew that, it doesn't mean they did it maliciously as part of a grand scheme to make our lives hell. It's not an excuse for the behavior, but it's a reason.

Thanks for the encouragement yet again, burned... I do feel like I'm an awesome person but I feel like I wasn't able to prove that to H, and I have had a lot of guilt lately about things I DID do wrong. The mind is a crazy thing because I remember there being times where I questioned whether he was the one for me, and admittedly getting a little too comfortable and maybe not keeping everything "light and happy", instead expecting him to change certain things in order for me to be happy. Not that I wasn't trying, because I've got countless examples of that...but now that he's gone (and now that I understand more about the dynamics of these things) I wish I hadn't let the gaps in what he was giving ME affect me so much. Clearly I was willing to accept those things and stay committed to the M, in any case, and I did still feel happy, not "stuck"...

We think that if we leave no stone unturned, if we analyze and examine every detail, if we figure out what went WRONG we could somehow fix things. But that's just not the case.

This is why I don't want to be too hard on myself either, because at the end of the day I need - and deserve - support and commitment and forgiveness and understanding and alllllll of the things, too. I feel like H expected me to be there all smiles and rainbows when he was having a hard time, or to praise him like the lord any time he did something nice for me... but did not understand or empathize with the things I may have been struggling with in order to "forgive" me or at least give me grace if I was being less than a stellar wife at all times.

For sure if we ever recon, there will need to be a mega solid approach to understanding our behaviors under stress and what we each need from each other to feel supported. Just one of those things I wish we could keep building on together and not with other people... like a recent quote I found said: "Don't let outsiders destroy what took years for you to build." The bottom line is he (and OW) just don't know what those things are that they're not good at yet. But obviously I'M living in a fantasy land if I believe they will never surface. They undoubtedly will.

Also reminds me of a letter H wrote me early on saying how happy he was that we do seem to be able to work through any issues we have, and how important that was to him. *slaps self* *looks forward*

Don't wallow for too long!

I'm really trying not to but you guys are both right that I've been having a bad few days. Even going out earlier made me more sad than usual. Literally EVERYTHING was reminding me of H and I even saw two decorative items side by side where one was H's initial and the other (a completely separate item) said "memories". I mean WTF, thanks universe.

Then with the new year, I feel all this pressure to make it a better year and I'm just afraid it won't be. Also, me and H's dating anniversary (before we got married) used to be New Year's, because I vividly remember that the first time we spent New Year's together was the night I really felt in love with him, after probably 6 months of seeing each other (yeah, it took a while, which is why this hurts that much more to lose it). And now of course I wonder if H and OW are having some super romantic "2019 is the start of OUR new life" celebration. Puke.

BUT...I'm gonna try. I really, really am. And, it's weird, and probably just coincidence but also interesting to note, that tonight the sunset was like BLAZING color. It's been gloomy all week and all day, but the sunset was fire.

"Barn's burned down now / I can see the moon" - Mizuta Masahide

I think I'm gonna do another post with some inspirational stuff I've been saving for a while, both for myself and for some of you who are following