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[Jlh]

Well I survived the holidays alone (as far as marriage). I had a great time with my kiddo and connected with friends and family near and far and it was nice to talk and laugh. I like my job and have fun laughing with everyone while we work.

I noticed the more I look happy, the more H looks miserable. He's gained weight, looks a bit unkempt, and sad. I try not to focus too much on him when he's nice to me and I've done some home repair stuff around the house and it feels good to fix things on my own. H was impressed with some things, yet had a sad look and attitude when he found out that my son and I did a LOT of holiday things together. I wanted to say, "Well life didn't stop when you left the house, dude. It hurts but we're moving forward." I caught him checking out my boobs and almost laughed.

But anyway, I did okay this holiday season. I didn't feel the romantic love but I certainly felt the friends and family love. My son and I have a new bedtime routine which involves him cuddling with me while we watch some cooking and baking videos, nice and calming. He's starting to like to help me cook and bake and he's pretty good at it!

I was so sheltered for years that some things are confusing me like tax stuff coming up and whatnot but its not like I cant ask for help with that. I still wonder sometimes about H's behaviors but I try to push that aside harder and not worry about it. A friend told me that the fact that he looks miserable means that this is not a me issue, its a him issue. For a long time I thought I did something wrong, but it seems more like he has personal things. I have my own too but I'm working on them and it feels good to be less angry, more happy, and I love to do house repair stuff I found, plus I found myself again regarding old likes and dislikes that I kind of pushed aside when I got married and had our son.

Anyway, that's it for now. Have a happy new year everyone and be safe!