Milestones of Moving On (?)

[burned]

Marathon. You've had a rough couple of days but it won't be like this forever.

Right now the hard part is that I don't even have the opportunity. H is not contacting me, and I am not contacting him (unless I have to ask about his portions of bills).

Ah, I know that feeling. But trust that YOU are doing the right thing, because YOU are validating him by not contacting him. Yail had to remind me of something I said myself MONTHS ago, which is that detachment is the ultimate validation. They want space, you give them space. That action speaks much louder than words. I don't think it goes unnoticed, either.

H not only has made the decision to basically forget about me, but he also thinks it would be normal for everyone else to just wipe me from their slates too?! ... I need to be level-headed

Yup, so actively fight the urge to put any stock into anything spoken or done by anyone biologically related to the alien who ate your H.

I want to be the lighthouse but how does he even know I'm the lighthouse if we pretty much ZERO interaction? IF he "comes out of it", and I haven't done anything while he's been "in it", then it seems he will have nothing to go on (aside from maybe the stuff I said to him before he actually moved out, about how I didn't want this and would be willing to work on the M with him). And even if I've said stuff before, how would he know I haven't changed my mind?

Ah, the perennial fear that you and I both share. I've coped with this by telling myself that a) they aren't floridly psychotic (see above) and therefore they aren't SO out of touch with reality that they don't notice when adults act like loving adults. They're just emotionally irrational right now (more about that below). Plus he has known you for 9 years. He knows what makes you tick. Therefore:

I don't see filing as being much of a "lighthouse". ... I am afraid H would see that as the equivalent of me smashing out the light in the lighthouse

Smash that stupid light. He's sailing the other way right now. The light tells him that the land is still there. What happens when he's 10 miles out and you're past the horizon? He can still see the light. So the land is still there. In dark enough seas, he'll see that light for a long time, and he won't worry about it until it's so dim that he can't measurably detect its presence. So smash that lightbulb! Lightbulbs can be replaced. Or you can build a fire. Or maybe they make awesome lasers or something that you could put there, later, when you see his ship off in the distance by the dim light of the moon, slowly making its way toward you...

My plan now is basically to just let it sit for a while...

Good. That's for you. Like jumping into ice water after a sauna. You feel great once you adjust, and you know that it's not cold enough to kill you unless you stay in it for something crazy like 7 minutes.

So, having this formally "in the system" gives me an option to drop it on him a little more quickly if I feel like I really need to or want to.

"Speak softly, and carry a big stick."

There lies the mystery - was he conflicted out of self-preservation and not wanting to look like the bad guy, but knew in his heart he really didn't want to be with me anymore? Or was he conflicted because he knew he wanted to be with OW but he ALSO knew that deep down, even though he claimed to not be IN love anymore, that he may not be making the right decision?

What I've been able to figure out about this is that a) she/he wanted both AND b) she/he didn't know what she/he wanted. Emotions don't operate according to logic.

It's pure torture and as much as I know we all have faith that we'll come out the other side, I definitely believe it will be with a major emotional limp that I'll be living with the rest of my life, if not worse.

I know that feeling, too. Almost like they stole our faith in humanity. (The older/wiser people here tell me that it's not worth worrying about, that that, too, will improve.) Maybe instead of a limp it'll be more like a scar that someone finds cute. That's a metaphor obviously. Somehow I think once we heal, our "love mechanism" (you can see it on the brain scanner!) will start working again, just as well if not better than before.

Ughhh I feel like I am emotionally regressing so hard right now and going back to denial that my H would really do this to me or that it's possible he won't come back. The more I try to move on, the worse my yearning for him seems to get!!

From anger to depression in one sentence. That's rough. Remember that denial is a protective strategy. It's not either-or. Sure, it's not a sustainable long-term solution, but use it to your advantage while it's there. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Denial is the blindfold so that you think you're eating beef. Once you're done with the meal, you don't need the blindfold.

In other news, I got up this morning, albeit super late, and got dressed and put makeup on. Still have zero other plans for the day, aside from maybe tidying up the house a little to keep myself busy. I would like to go out to eat at least but I don't have anyone to really go with (I can try my mom I guess but she doesn't like the restaurant I want to go to, grr) plus I'm now pretty much broke for another week. That's the other hard part about this, at least if I wasn't stuck with this massive mortgage on my own I'd have a little more money to do things for myself. But I'm both emotionally and financially barreeelly making it. It's pretty terrible feeling like you're on your last leg every day and might fall over dead at any moment.

I hope you feel better soon. 2019 will be a better year. It has to be. It's the year you will start saying things like:

"I am awesome, and it's really H's loss that he doesn't get to be with me."

OK, that last quote wasn't really by TJT. Or was it, hmm?