Surrendering to grace...

[kiro]

at what point does the LBS become the WAS?

At her initiative, W and I spent some time the other day doing R talking. On the one hand, she stated adamantly she has no intention of returning to and working on the M.

Paco,

If you decide to move on in your current situation, you won't be a WAS. She clearly told you that she has no intention to return to the M. She is the WAS. Don't fall into her manipulative tactics. The day you decide to move on and not wait for her anymore, I recommend that you communicate it to her in a respectful way and let her know that you still love her, but that you deserve a W who loves you back. And that since she is not interested in working on the M, then you need to move on with your life.

My definition of a WAS (in the context of this site) is someone who bombs the LBS, who up until this point didn't suspect anything was going on. The WAS has no respect whatsoever to their LBS. They are selfish and blame the LBS for everything. Make sure you don't act that way even if you decide to move on.

On the other hand, zooming out and looking at the past year's narrative arc, I see subtle changes

Like you say, you're the only one who can know the time to move on. You need to figure out what you want from life and what your priorities are. And you need to do this without any feeling of guilt (as long as you act according to your values).

Don't get confused who the WAS and who the LBS is. WAS's are known to be manipulative and deceitful. They will twist reality, they'll rewrite history, they'll blame the LBS unfairly, and most importantly they'll project their own issues to their LBS. They do this because they refuse to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. So they will shift these feelings onto the LBS to avoid facing themselves and feeling guilty.

They'll also do everything they can to push their LBS to leave them because they sometimes don't have the courage to end the M despite all the negative things they say. They want the LBS to take the blame for ending the M. Don't fall for that. You have the right to walk away when you want, but you will do it with dignity knowing that you tried everything you could do and that you are walking away because you know you cannot control her and make her love you. This won't make you a WAS.

It's a good thing that you see some positive changes in her. This is why (we) recommend patience and time. But WAS's are unpredictable. They will send you mixed signals. Don't have high expectations for the short term and don't always believe what they say. You can continue to be patient and DBing or you can decide to end it and move on.

Back to Steve's question: when do I choose to be the WAS?

I read Steve's last posts. I think his sitch is quite different than yours.

Only you can answer that. Some people give themselves a fixed deadline (I sort of did that: for me it was at least 1 year from BD).

And it depends on your priorities in life and your values. Some people don't want a new R. So these people could possibly wait a long time. For others, having a companion is a priority in life. So they'll want to move on quicker.

Some will tolerate having relationships even they are not officially divorced... and so on.

- I still love her...very much. I believe now is a time she needs me more than ever. I accept her desire for space to figure things out.

This is very generous from you, but it goes against the principles of DBing (IMO). Don't assume things about her. If she needs you, she'll reach out and ask you. You need to let her live the consequences of her choices.

- I do NOT want to return to M, version 1. In M, version 2, we need to learn constructive tools to deal with "antagonisms."

Yep, and this needs commitment from both partners. For the time being, she doesn't share that wish to work on a new M2.0. I haven't experienced piecing, but from reading others (like Steve), it doesn't seem easy.

- I will continue to work on the life projects I find meaningful.

Best choice for you.

- I just met a woman from Argentina. She spoke of wanting to travel through Central America with me. I am not attracted to her, but she does represent future possibilities of alternative life partners. Too soon to act on now, but not too soon to be open to these possibilities.

I personally strongly recommend against looking at other women while you are still committed to your W. It's good that you know that other women are interested in you, but don't start fantasizing about other women before making your decision about your M. This desire will just blind you and make you rush a decision you may regret in the future.