I've been doing pretty well overall, but I haven't made any big changes or really worked on myself. I've mostly been contemplative, but not so much taking any actions. I've enjoyed my low-key week off from work, and used it to quietly consider our M and R. I needed some time to really process all that's going on while not feeling wildly emotional. As I told my dear friend yesterday, I've been sitting Shiva this past week.
But it's time to push myself. I'm not very good at doing that.
Today I decided it's time to go for a walk. I love going for walks, but haven't been in a while because it's usually dark out when I'm available. That's an excuse. It was freezing out though, so I only did a quick mile then went home. Next time I should bring a hat.
It helped my mood tremendously. Instead of feeling "good" I feel energized. So I went to the library and did some much needed training on a software product I hope to become proficient in. Some of my potential next steps in my career are becoming clearer to me now, and if I can step up on my abilities with this product I could start making real money. I genuinely enjoy the product too, so it seems like a good fit.
I've worked in low-paying fields for far too long. I think it's time to really bring something to the table. Time to be a real woman in Tech.
In the meantime, I've got to tighten up the budget. I've always spent very little on myself UNLESS the item is food. So no more fancy bevies out. Friends will just need to come hang out at my place to unwind. I'm a great cook.
I'm also looking into side gigs to make extra cash.
And for my next trip to Italy I'm investigating the WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms). I don't know when I could possibly get some time off, but I'm very interested. Room and board is provided, and I provide free labor. That's absolutely what I need to do right now in my life.
1) I need to stop thinking of myself as LBS. It puts me in a place of victimhood. I'm not comfortable with that (it's not true), and will not consider myself LBS any longer. If I use the acronym it's for clarity, not because I see myself as that.
2) I've been considering the differences - if any - between denial and faith. Just something I'd be curious to hear other folks' thoughts on.
Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and have some good ideas and goals. I hear you on the LBS label although it is an accurate description of my sitch. However, I don’t plan to be left behind for long...pretty soon I will be far out in front.
The difference between denial and faith. Wow. That is definitely a provocative question. I guess it depends on the context. Are you talking about the decision to stand in the face of your spouse leaving? Maybe after a certain amount of time passes, faith starts to look like denial - especially if you have gone through a D and your XS has remarried or something like that? I guess then maybe I would have to have a certain amount of denial to continue to believe my XS would return? I guess for me, I think that I have faith that I am going to be okay in the end, with or without my H. No denial in that.
It’s great to see that you’re looking ahead! No looking back, except from a position of control and power! Great use of your time too! Investing in your career is a wise choice.
1) Interesting thoughts on the terminology of LBS, and really any terminology we use here on a daily basis. They do conjure imagery and emotions, so good for you for making the distinction for yourself!!
2) I think that the word denial would mean that despite evidence of facts, you choose to believe otherwise... whereas faith would be knowing the truth as the truth, but believing that it can change. You know there’s no evidence to believe that it will change, but you have faith that it will.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
DV6 - yes, I suppose what I have been ruminating on is specifically the decision to stand post D. I'm not pushing myself to have a decision, but I'm more just curious on what I will do, and what will happen. I feel like I will continue on with my life - date when I feel ready - but also somehow be here if W comes around. Is that crazy? Maybe. It's just how I'm feeling today I suppose. I have none of those decisions to make today.
Joe - I posted about the career advancement because I really need to keep myself accountable. I tend to let things slide and just happily float through life. If I don't have a real deadline I won't do it. I need to actively pursue what I want and work hard for it! This is one of my top shortcomings as a person, and in desperate need of a 180.
During one of our 2 MC sessions W said that she wants to be with someone who has "passion". Part of this was (I believe) projecting - she's very depressed, and I don't think she's feeling "passion" for life right now. I think she's seeking it, as most MLCers are. But she also was correct. I'm a very naturally happy and content person, but perhaps I don't have any grit or zest in my life.
I like your description of faith. Knowing the truth as the truth, but believing it can change. That's a good description to what I was thinking about.
I was going to post last night about denial vs. faith. My take is a little different, and partly inspired by what I’ve learned here, especially from your last couple of posts on my thread.
I see denial as an inability or a refusal to acknowledge the truth once it is clear, i.e., present or past.
Faith, on the other hand, is a future-oriented acceptance of the fact (present truth) that future truths/facts cannot be known because they haven’t yet been proven or disproven, because they haven’t happened yet.
So denial is distrust in things known. Faith is trust in things unknown.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I decided I really wished to spend the night at home alone, despite invites from my parents, my brother/SIL, and my BFF to visit their homes. All wonderful friends/supporters. But sometimes I get so cranky/short tempered around people these days, and I just wanted to feel calm and at peace. I feel calmest when by myself.
My general sense of unrest is how I feel the most different during this process. I used to be content in everything I did.
I spent the day on a nice long walk (gorgeous weather today!), some cleaning, a bit of shopping with my mom and a drink/snack with her as well. I was a bit cranky with her. I didn't mean to be. She has a great gift at keeping the chatter flowing even if it's a one-sided convo, and I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to smile and nod. I wasn't feeling chatty though. I did talk about my potential future housing options with her, which I'm still working through.
Tonight my lovely evening plan consisted of: bringing the rabbit upstairs to hang out with me and drinking a bottle of bubbly while knitting and watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
I'm honestly in a great mood. This is my own perfect way to bring in the New Year.
The rabbit does not stay upstairs, and her temporary visits have me laughing out loud. She loves exploring and expresses her joy by running and hopping around. I adore watching her and snuggling her. She's currently happily eating her hay. And periodically napping. When I leave the room to get something from the kitchen she follows me and waits. It's adorable.
My family has been in a texting group where we're sending each other ridiculous things. I don't feel like being WITH people, but this is nice.
Wishing everyone a bit of weirdness and fun in your New Year. Gotta get my bubbly ready to toast to our new Year!!
Wow, so this whole denial vs. faith convo is inspiring me. I love Joe's and burned's responses. Need to write them down.
Yail, I also apologized on burned's thread but want to do it on yours directly; I didn't have your thread in my followed list for some reason so I haven't been checking in on you! SO sorry... I've got you on my radar again now!
Overall you sound like you're doing great and I don't feel like I even have anything to add at this point, except KEEP GOING! And also, on taking walks (especially alone) in the dark, not so much of an excuse as you DO need to be safe... please keep that in mind too!
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
TJT - You do not need to apologize to me! You don't owe it to anyone to read their sitches, but of course I'd be flattered if you did pop in to say hi once in a while. I do enjoy chatting with you.
Re: Walking in the dark - yes, it's true I should be safe. But I live in a very safe area. It's just that I'm very good at making excuses. My work place has a gym (which I've never stepped foot in). I have a treadmill (that W bought a million years ago and TBH I don't know if it works). So I just want to point out that I'm very good at excuses but I need to hold my own feet to the fire. No more excuses! I really need to move my self!
You and I (and burned) are along the same age range. I notice similarities in how we approach our former Rs, and for that I find a great comfort. I am inspired by various folks on this forum, but somehow it's easier for me to feel "heard" when I know that someone my age is hearing me. Thanks for saying hi. I hope to keep popping over to your sitch and posting things that make you uncomfortable. Please know the intent is always to push you forward, not make you angry.
