We got into it again last night as she pulled me into an argument....and I couldn't bite my tounge. The whole time I'm seeing "LH19" flashing in my mind and your reminder how crucial of a point I'm at....but I (bleeping) dove right in. UGH. She kept givng me the excuses...and telling me she's trying...and I just let the word diarrea fly. Telling her she's full of it...trying means nothing...and "just go live with that moron. I'm sure you'll have a great life in his parents basement." blah blah blah. She just kept saying "I don't want too" when I told her to leave and have a nice life with him. I told her I had met with my attorney and I'm not afraid of divorce! God, I'm just such a sucker to get pulled into that. Again, ;the entire time I'm hearing all of you guys from here yelling at me! I finally regrouped and walked away and went to bed. She stayed out of the bedroom. Just a massive fail...but it's so hard to stop myself at times. So hard...she's ruined so much joy and happiness and just destroyed so many memories with her selfishness. I guess I just need to look at it as a learning experience? DB like a monster in 2019...keep reading, keep learning, keep hoping....at least for a while. I meant what I said in an earlier post...I am looking forward to the new year. 2018 was the worst...as Clark Griswold said "worse. How can it get any worse?"
LH and Over...I appreaciate your posts. Even with this massive fair...I'm trying...don't give up on me yet.
To answer some questions and more...
Sandi... As you said. Finding the middle is so hard. I find myself bouncing from one extreme to the other. One minute I want to believe her BS....then I come here and read the truth from those who have lived it. One minute I want to shower her with love....then I want to put her in my car and drive the OM house and say "good luck with THAT!"
Yes...i know, i know i know....there is no "trying" to end the affair. All or nothing! I continue to really struggle when she throws out the "I'm trying" crap. I hear words from the page in my head..."validate", "tough love", "say nothing", "remain calm and be short with words"...I get stuck....until I unload way more that I should.
As far as validating...I simply said "I'm sure it's hard on you". But I still don't know the correct response. As I said before, I don't feel I'm at a strong enough spot YET...to put down the ultimatum/boundary. But I am getting close to at least laying down some rules of an in home separation and keeping her out of the MBR. She is totally getting away with cake eating....and I keep stumbling and letting this continue.
Sandi...by the way...I in NO WAY feel beat up by any of your advice or posts on this page. I value each and every piece of advice...even when it may appear that I'm not listening....I am. I just keep getting in my own way. I'm trying. But, give it to me straight...I can take it.
