I have indeed met you IRL and you are smart, witty, fun, beautiful. I believe those are all the things you truly are. I hate seeing you go through this obsessive pain. Have you tried medication? There are meds out there to help with obsessive thoughts. I have been plagued with them in the past and it can be all-consuming, even though we can be really high functioning.
I just don't think you should have to hurt anymore.