I have been following along, even with our discussion on my thread. I wrote a post regarding this after your post with the letters, thought I submitted it, obviously it is not here.
MLCers are all emotions and self centered. The selfish spoiled brat as job said.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Gerda wrote: We need to work out the car situation. We were going to do two day trips and maybe go to (my cousin)’s and we are stuck here the whole vacation even for day trips. We can’t go anywhere as an overnight just from Monday night to Wednesday morning even if D9 didn’t have school on Wednesday.
My proposal if you don’t want to buy my half of the car and have it all to yourself is that I have use of the car on kids’ school holidays and every other weekend. This will give you use of the car way more than half the time and will allow both of us to make plans without uncomfortable conversations. I am fine with zip car for IKEA or whatever but I can’t use it for leaving town. When I work in (area he is working in), I just bike from the train but I assume there are Zip car drop off points all over (that area).
What you said is true and factual. Only one confusing part: “We need to work out car situation” - refers to you and him. “We were going to do two day...” - this and subsequent we refers to you and kids.
However, the point is you are stating what you and kids want or need - He doesn’t care about that. He care about only himself and things that pertain to only himself. Anything else will be seen as badgering to him.
Rational people will read what you wrote and see it as intended. He is not rational. He will get agitated and angry about getting poked about something he doesn’t want to be talking about. Then the part that gets worse - you gave him information about the very thing you want or need, the very thing that will bother you, and he can use it against you - and he does.
My missing post also included that he is bullying you. Look how quickly he goes to have your L talk to my L. Really H?? Over a car, straight to lawyers. See how irrational he is. How much he is bullying you. This is what, the third time he has threatened to see the lawyers over little things.
I like you standing up to him, and you should. That 180 looks good on you.
Gerda, you are not wrong in standing up for yourself. You should not be bullied.
However, this particular event concerning the cars is a bit different - you are initiating the discussion. You are attempting to get something, to gain favour. You need to come at this from a different angle. job’s suggestions is very good.
You ask him.
No explaination, no proposal of times of useage - it wont work anyhow, you know how confused he is, he will never follow it. You just ask him. No expectation, no demands, no other talk - just ask.
As job said something like: H, if it is possible the kids and I would like to use the car on Friday.
This is short and sweet. It gives him total control of allowing or denying useage. It gives the illusion of him having control of, or say over, the car.
Think a spoiled kid (brat) and you want to get a toy from him. If you tell him or just take it - a meltdown. If you let him decide to give it to you, to graciously allow you to have it - ya I know, yuck - you might get the toy and no drama. Of course you might not, so have a plan B.
A different approach, for your MLC H who doesn’t respond like other people right now.
Hopefully this helps.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
