Since becoming a wife, has she always had male friends that sort of left you excluded from their friendship activity? How does she act about her phone? Does she guard it, lay it down face first, keep it glued to her everywhere she goes in the house? When texting, does she try to hide the message from you, turning the phone where you can't see what she is typing? When she receives a call or text, does she go to another room to take it, or turn where you can't see who is contacting her? Does she sleep with it? Do you ever look at her phone, pick it up when it rings, etc.? If so, does she try to take it from you before you see anything (considering you pick it up in her presence)?
Even if she sees this other guy and her as "just friends", she is so vulnerable for male attention, emotional closeness, and adoration, that that so-called friendship can shift gears quicker than snapping your fingers. He's in an unhappy M, too, so that increases the chances of an EA. And, let me tell ya...…..EA's are very serious, especially for the woman. If you are one of these men who say they aren't too worried about it, as long as it doesn't become a PA...…..then you aren't fully aware of the damage an EA can cause a MR. The OM may be in for kicks, or to feed his ego....or hoping it will lead to a PA, but it goes much deeper for the woman.
Does she get out much since the baby was born? How old is he now?
As for your thoughts about having to accept the OM's presence in your MR...……...no, you don't have to accept it. Anytime a spouse feels uncomfortable about a friendship the other spouse is pursuing....(or not pursuing)……..it should end the minute this is expressed to that spouse. And if that spouse chooses the friendship over the MR, then one of the spouses is way off track. Know what I mean? You are the man in this MR, the head of the home, and the protector. If you ask your W to end the contacts with OM, and she refuses, then she is giving more value to her relationship with OM......than her relationship with you. Now, if you were some unreasonable, jealous, controlling H who never approved of anyone that was her friend.....then I might question the motive. But, I don't get that impression from you.
You are a man who believes in doing what is morally right, and if you feel this "friendship" is becoming a threat to your MR, then you may need to consider addressing it. I don't know if others have already discussed it with you. I don't know if you have studied the link on setting boundaries. If you haven't, then I suggest you start reading it. Don't make any sudden moves. Just read it. That's all.
Here's the thing. If she can't have private friendships or male friendships that excludes you...……...then the same rule applies to your friendships. If she is uncomfortable about you being friends with someone and she wants you to end it...…….will you? Even your lifelong friend? If your W felt threatened or suspected some OW was getting too close for comfort...….would you drop the friend? You need to think about it carefully, before opening your mouth about your W's friendships. And, I'm certainly not accusing or comparing your friendships to an inappropriate friendship she might be having. You can't have a doubled standard, and that's what your W will try to hit you with, if you have female friendships that exclude her.
I’ve known of a good amount of her male friends since becoming married.
However, given her new career in a male-dominated field, I’ve been a bit more shut-out with respect to the men that she works with. I’ve met a number of the men she works with, but there have also been some that I just haven’t had the chance to meet, I guess (I know, sounds like big red flag).
She guards her phone and carries it around with her pretty much everywhere—but then again, I carry mine pretty much everywhere too, so I shouldn’t be too suspicious in that regard.
I have noticed her turning her phone more recently, but honestly I’ve been trying to not look—for me, I’m trying to make that part of detaching and not really caring about what she’s doing on her phone. She sleeps with it on her side of the bed, but I don’t believe it’s on her body. Like I said, I try not to look (I’ve been burned by that before, as I’ve mentioned in my first thread, I believe), but I never pick it up unless she asks me to do so.
I don’t think there is an EA, but I’ll refer to him as OM for simplicity’s sake:
OM is no-longer married (I think I mentioned that in a previous post). They met at a work training in DC, and they work in different regional offices here in SoCal. They could be ‘just friends,’ or he could be playing the long game. I found out he’s no longer married because I searched for him one night a few weeks ago after seeing a text from him come across my W’s phone at 10:45 p.m. (I know—taken 2x4s for that one on a previous thread, so no need to rehash that here).
A couple of years ago, we went to an outing / social event with some of her coworkers. One of them, upon seeing me, said “Oh, you must be [OM].” My blood pressure just about hit the roof then, and we had a conversation on the ride home and she was all apologetic. My big point was ‘so, why would these people believe that I was [OM]?’ I know, dredging up old memories.
Thing is, I’ve told her in the past that I’m not okay with her level of friendship with this guy. Early on, after they got back from the training and he was blowing up her phone, I will admit that I was all NGS and got pissy about it and she had to talk it out of me. But I told her to cool it—and it worked, for a bit. Until it didn’t.
I also told her some time ago that if she really, really needs this relationship for work—THEN USE YOUR WORK PHONE. She longed for a work phone so she wouldn’t miss out on work stuff despite my warning her that the Feds will own her a$$, and she got one. As much as I know, she doesn’t text OM the work phone—she uses her personal phone.
She also works for a federal agency that recently had an adultery scandal come to light after 2 employees had an affair exposed (as well as their attempts to allegedly undermine current POTUS) by having their work phones subpoenaed—these phones are government property and taxpayer-funded, so they have to be transparent. W has told me that whenever she wants to make snarky comments about anyone really (current POTUS or not), she will not use work communications to do it, because she doesn’t want that coming to light later, like what happened above.
Back in the spring, when she mentioned we should take a look at our phone bill to see who we text the most besides each other, I should have taken her up on it. Would have really been interesting. But I didn’t, because I didn’t really think it was relevant, and I do trust her. BTW, she holds the account for a cell phones—so the bill and all that info is in her name.
W gets out more now that she is back at work. YS is 3.5 months—she was home with him from birth until just after Christmas; OS is 6 years old.
I appreciate the fact that you don’t see me as unreasonably jealous or controlling—and I try not to be. But I asked her to cool it, she does not, and in time she effectively doubles down because she ‘needs’ the relationship. I know exactly what you are saying—that she could be off-track. That she very well could be prioritizing this relationship above me. That has bothered me a lot (though less so the last year or two), but I also wish(ed) that she would respect me as the man in the MR, head of the home, protector, and all that.
I do understand that she is vulnerable for male attention, emotional closeness, and adoration—but frankly, the same could be said for me, but with respect to women. Thing is, though—I don’t have other women blowing up my phone, despite my talk on previous posts. If anything, I try to keep really tight boundaries with other women in my life. I’m not especially chatty with women in my age range (25-40) at work, even though some of them are really great-looking and probably really great people. Some of it is by chance / circumstance—as a new teacher, I’ve spent the last few years pouring myself into my work to become a better teacher, and now it’s me trying to get work done so I can’t be more present at home. But some of this is intentional choice—I’m not going to trip myself up if I can help it and potentially get into an EA / PA. The only women at work whose #’s I have are my Dept. Chair (immediate supervisor), as well as a couple of current / former colleagues who have served as mentors. But once again, I don’t have too many digits (if any, I’d have to look) for female peers in my age range.
I mentioned this on a previous post, but I’ll say it again: I’ve effectively ‘dropped the rope’ emotionally with almost all of my female friends after W and I got married—some of it was growing out of touch, some of it was out of respect for our marriage vows. And this was all done by me—not at her urging. Except for one—a female friend (FF) I had from grad school, who is now YS’ baptismal sponsor / godmother. Thing is, when I spend time with FF, W is almost always with me, and when FF was in town for YS’ baptism a couple of weeks ago, WW and FF went out together, on outings and errands.
She’s a known quantity to W, and I’ve included W with FF, and I don’t believe FF is much of a threat. Though, in light of the current dynamics with W, it was really nice to talk with FF while she was here, and to have a grown-up mature conversation with a woman in my age range. I have often played the what-if game: if FF came into my life at a different time in my life, or if I found her more physically attractive, things may very well have turned out differently between the two of us (and I may not have needed to meet W in the first place). But, I really don’t find FF all that physically attractive, but we click well intellectually and spiritually, though we have different political worldviews, and for me, things are what they currently are.
But if W asked me to drop the rope with FF? As difficult as it would be, I probably would. Because I do value her and our MR.
I’m not really going to do anything about OM right now, although I wonder what would be the case for when / if we get to R’ing or piecing. That may be a topic for another day.
But you’re right about reading the post on boundaries.
