I’ll try to address your points as much as I can. I may take them in scattershot order, but I’ll start at the bottom about the NGS stuff.
I ordered the book NMMNG, and it should be arriving soon. Obviously, I’d have to read the whole thing, and even if I did I may self-diagnose poorly (because everyone self-diagnoses poorly). From what I’ve seen on the forum and in other places, I’d have to say that while I’m not sure I’m full-blown NGS, I’m sure I exhibit at least some symptoms, including:
*covert contracts *over-apologizing *over-explaining *complaining / letting things get to me that really shouldn’t *being a doormat *sarcasm *passive-aggression (to a certain extent)
I’m sure that there may be some aspects littered in previous posts by me, and that’s fine—first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. But, I’m trying to root out as many of these as possible. I realize I may not be able to fully eradicate everything (some of these qualities may be hard-wired into me), but at best I’ll hope to minimize as much as I can.
I’m sure that some of my comments about sex / moving on is me trying to psyche myself / build myself up and exhibit PMA. I’m also sure that part of it is at least me acting out about not having sex in almost 2 months. The sex cravings have subsided for now, which is good.
One thing I’ve read in the threads is the idea of seeing myself as a prize—for W, or for someone else down the road if D happens. I’ll be honest—I don’t want a D (who does?), but I also know that I need to mentally prepare myself for the worst. Of course, there is always the possibility of a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I also don’t want to be a LBS who is all ‘woe is me’ when that BD hits. I do know that I was good enough for my W to marry, even though a lot of my qualities I now have more or less were present on our wedding day. In some instances I have changed, but the bulk of my character has stayed largely the same. The same is true for her—at least, I hope. But at the end of the day, I do know that I can be a prize to at least one woman out there. I do hope it’s current W, though, but I can’t take that for granted right now.
The whole not finding my wife all that attractive thing? I can see how that can be viewed as disrespectful towards the mother of our children, especially with the body issues that can result post-pregnancy. For me, though, attraction is physical / visual, yes—but it is also emotional and spiritual (so, all of the above). My wife’s current mental state (whether caused by PPD or not) and her spiritual state (not sure where she is at with God) definitely DO NOT HELP with any sort of attraction.
But it’s also hard to be attracted to (and want to be with) someone who has expressed the possibility of a S / D. As I’ve seen on other posts, why should I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? I’m being pushed away, denied love / sex / affection, and someone is trying to ‘fire’ me from my vocation? It’s hard to want someone like that.
But since we’re on the topic of respect (and get ready with 2x4s in case I deserve them): How respectful is it of her to consider breaking marriage vows / marriage covenant? If I was abusive towards her or the boys physically, emotionally or sexually, of if I cheated on her, then I’d deserve whatever I get. How respectful is it to get an ILYBINILWY BD? How respectful is it to have someone float the possibility of a ‘break’ or an S? How respectful is it to be withheld love / affection / sex, when I haven’t done all that wrong?
I’ll admit my flaws and the areas in which I need to change. But earlier on she admitted that she was concerned that it wasn’t real, and later on that I’d backslid on a number of things anyway.
The way I look at it: It’s about time I show some g-damn respect for myself and our marriage. I’m trying to make some changes in myself, and I’m not the one threatening to leave. Don’t WS / WAS stray or walk-away because of a lack of respect towards LBS?
I’ll admit I’ve not always been the perfect spouse, or even a very good husband or father at times. I’ve struggled with anxiety / depression at various points in my life, as well as a cross-country move and a career change, as well as a stint as a SAH Daddy. That said, I know what I’m capable of, I know I can be really, really good (and at the risk of sounding immodest, I’m sure a number of women would probably love to put up with some of my flaws if W won’t), but I also know that I’m trying to improve.
W has criticized me a lot over the last year or so, basically, whether or not I’ve justified it. I know life is not always ‘eye-for-an-eye,’ but wouldn’t I be a NGS if I just rolled over and said ‘oh yes hun whatever you say I’ll work on it pls don’t leave me.’ She’s a flawed human being, too, but I haven’t thrown her flaws in her face all that much during this time period. I’ve tried my hardest to show her love, growth, acceptance, stepping up in responsibilities, and yes some of it was so she’d notice and quiet the talk about S / D. But all the hard work that I thought I did over the spring and summer, what did that get me come Fall? Her floating possibility of a break / S—doesn’t seem fair.
And I’m sure that there has to be some PPD present here. I also know that in struggling with my own depression / anxiety issues in the past, it can be really hard to want to seek help. I get that. But this is a battle I can’t fight for her, truly.
But the thing is—even if it is PPD, how fair is it for her to level all of what she said at me because of her PPD? I’m sure there are some kernels of truth in what she is unhappy about. Fair enough. But I also don’t feel like D is the answer (and I know it’s not about what I feel or what I think is fair, or trying to reason with her). How respectful is it of her to blame me for just about everything—hormone levels or not? Which is worse—she’s truly serious about this, or she’s hormonal and went off the rails and doesn’t totally mean it?
It’s not totally my fault she got pregnant. Pretty sure it takes 2 on that one, and she enjoyed getting there I believe.
It’s not totally my fault she failed her first fit test last fall. Can’t help it she has asthma (that’s genetics).
It’s also not my fault that the feds gave her an arbitrary deadline of doing that test before March, when the cut-off for that position is 37, and she’s only 30.
It’s also not totally my fault she got herself in really good shape a couple of years ago and didn’t capitalize on a chance to take and pass her fit test then.
Long story short, she also needs to grow the F up and look at herself and realize that at least some of her unhappiness starts and ends with herself.
I may have contributed to some of her problems, but I’m not the full cause of everything that makes her unhappy. That also means I can’t fix it for her. And unless she puts the work in (preferably with a professional), she will continue to be unhappy—unhappily married to me, unhappily single, unhappily with another man down the road, whatever. That root unhappiness will chase her all the days of her life unless / until she actually fixes it.
Last thing, before I address the potential EA in another post:
She may see me as selfish, unconcerned, cold and pouting? Could be. Sometimes my actions don’t perfectly communicate my feelings. I’m trying to give her the space and detachment that has been suggested to me here. Am I doing so perfectly? Probably not.
I know it’s not supposed to be about her (it’s supposed to be about me and what I should be doing), BUT: how has she not been selfish, unconcerned, cold and pouting through all of this? Please don’t tell me that it’s because of the hormones—I’m sure it is to a certain extent, but she has had no problems holding me accountable for the times that I’ve acted out because of emotions or fatigue or stress or whatever I may be going through (physiologically or not). I know being pregnant is way different from anything I could ever experience—but I don’t deserve threats, outbursts or sullenness from her, either. Should I be merciful towards her? As a Christian, or even a decent human being—yes—but the first step is admitting that there is a problem and working towards fixing it.
I know I shouldn’t be fighting fire with fire here, but if it’s a life without me that she is seriously considering, then perhaps she should be getting a preview of that here. I don’t want to get too far into mind-reading, but: maybe she’s picking up on that over the last few weeks and realizes that the space and distance isn’t what she really wants or needs. Or maybe it suits her perfectly and she realizes she would be better off. Who knows.
