Arguably one of the roughest days I have had in awhile. About as bad as the early days when I started posting.
I started out reading Sandi's post about how I have overcome so much in my life through some of the darkest events in my life. I started tearing up. Plus the fact that my D4 was going to be gone for 5 days and it really got me sad. I made the best of my time with her and had breakfast with her. She then sat on my lap while we watch YouTube videos of objects being restored.
WW enters the house and I don't make any eye contact with her. Before they left, I hug D4 twice and sent them on their way. WW asked if I was excited to have the house by myself (no) and I just said "Yeah". She then asked me if I needed anything. I said "No. I'm good." and closed the door behind them.
I then sobbed for a good 10 minutes in my bedroom followed by crawling under my blanket and sobbing some more. I finally got up and got myself ready for my NGS support group. I told them about my conversation with WW on Christmas and how I felt that my jerk-ish response was passive-aggressive and that I should have let her know that I was ok. It was my last session for awhile due to a lack of funds to continue. I'm hoping I can continue in February.
I then made myself some lunch, caught up on prayers, and forced myself to go the gym. I drove deep into the city because I did not want to be home with idle time on my hands.
I got to the gym and pushed through my workout. It was not my best and I thought about quitting a few times, but I told myself that quitting is not the new me and I need to push through. During the workout FIL texted me about D4's needs. So that gave me the impression that WW did a dump and run. I shed tears but kept up with my exercise. I keep a small notebook with my exercise logs. As I was filling out my workout, a fortune from a cookie I ate awhile ago fell to the floor. I picked it up and read the message:
Quote
You will make a long overdue personal decision
I put the fortune back in my notebook and confronted the fact that I am going to have to make a very difficult decision soon.
I bought groceries and called my mom. I asked her if God is punishing me for this. For not praying regularly. For ignoring my parents for the better part of my marriage. For all of the passive-aggressive crap I pulled over the years. She told me that "no", it's not punishment since I admitted to God my faults and ask for forgiveness. More tears.
The last thing that made me break down completely was when I called D4 to wish her good night. She was crying and the first thing she said was that she wanted to come home. I asked her "Why?" She said that she misses her daddy and wants her daddy. I fought through more tears and told her that I will see her soon and to enjoy her time with her grandparents. She kept crying and asking for me and asking me to pick her up. I told her that Grandad will have a lot of fun and I will see her really soon. I said "I love you" and she sobbed it back. I hung up and recomposed myself to finish my shopping.
The drive home was an exercise in control. I shed more tears but I was able to keep it together until I got home.
It is about an hour before bedtime as I am typing this. I am going to eat, pray, and go to bed.
Two more days until the new year. It's going to be better than this year. That I will ensure.
If by some reason WW is reading this, I have this to say directly to you:
I hope this lifestyle fantasy of yours was worth it. Because it's going to get very real very soon. And it will not be as easy as you are hoping to make it to be. "Enjoy" OM. Enjoy the sex, the passion, the "genuine show of affection" these next few days.
Your "love" is going to be thoroughly tested. And I will not be there to hold your hand for this trial. You are going to be on your own for this one.
