Yeah “jankity” is my own word, obviously derived from janky. Other variations include jank and janked.. but they only exist in my vocabulary. Lol.
So I caught up on your thread. I know how you feel. I kept every single love letter my wife wrote me. Every birthday card, anniversary card, father’s day, everything. In fact, they are on my book shelf right now. I threw away and deleted all of my wedding photos, but kept the writing. I also kept all of the text messages. EVEN THE BAD ONES. Yeah, as you would expect they are polar opposites and make no sense when read next to each other.
I have the “I can’t wait to live the rest of my life with you” as well as the “I hate you, you were never a real man” texts. I’ve read them all a few times, but for various reasons. I can’t say that revisiting them helped more than it hurt. It depends. Back when I felt more vulnerable, and had pity parties for myself I’d read the hateful ones to reaffirm how I didn’t need that in my life. Now that we’re piecing, I have read some of the handwritten stuff to see if I can recapture that feeling. So... :shrug: I dunno.
SO ANYHOW!!! I see you are trying to analyze your STBXH’s behavior. Well, let me save you a bunch of time. A) IT DON’T MATTER. B) YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND IT.
Part A is easy enough. It’s the past. The future matters. The present is where you shape your future. Don’t waste your present dwelling on the past; use the present to plan your improved future. See? EASY. (Lol)
Part B is the weird stuff. All waywards and walkaways exhibit the same general behavior. You get the ILYBINILWY crap. You get the wild out-of-character behavior. You get the God-awful affair partners. You get the gaslighting and the blame shifting. You get the history rewriting. It’s all part of the same playbook. None of it makes sense... And at least in my sitch, I’ve come to find out that it didn’t make sense to my XW either.
She asked me recently why she doesn’t remember the same things I remember or our kids remember. She said it’s all fuzzy to her. She doesn’t remember A LOT, and some of the things she remembers is wildly different than reality. She can’t explain why she left me for an absolute moron who was 10 years older with no job and ED. She doesn’t remember any gaslighting at all. She doesn’t remember the truly heartfelt conversation we had on the last night that I ever spent in my own home before I moved out and the OM moved in. But she does remember the absolutely hateful verbiage she used to insult me. She remembers trying her best to rob me of my masculinity and self-esteem using the most rancid behavior known to humanity. She remembers telling her son that he could not call me Dad anymore. She just can’t explain why she did it. Any of it.
Don’t get me wrong... waywards know what they’re doing. They can be calculated, they can be manipulative, they can be cunning... but it is ALL within the context of their condition. They will fit the Wayward Playbook, which is your survival guide. You will be able to understand that you CAN’T understand why they are doing what they do. You will know that you can only believe 1% of what they say. That they don’t really care about you IN THIS MOMENT. They are narcissists, through and through. They weren’t always like that, but they are now and they may stay that way for a long long time.
My XW lived in the fog the entire time, for an entire YEAR... Until reality kung fu kicked her in the throat and knocked her flat on her ass. That’s when she finally gave me a real apology. She had apologized many times before, but they weren’t asking for forgiveness. They were those empty selfish apologies that are ego-based to make themselves feel better about the horrors that they have incurred. I told myself I’d never talk to her again until I got a real apology asking for forgiveness regardless of the outcome. You know, a REAL apology. She finally admitted to everything and more. And I felt it was genuine because the truth she unwrapped for me was dirty, nasty, disgusting, and overwhemingly immoral. Embarrassing doesn’t even do it justice.
So I wrote all that to let you know that if you are confused about your H’s behavior, it’s normal. They don’t make sense. If you can’t understand why he did what he did, it is because you’re an intelligent and rational person. Waywards are not rational except in their own minds. Don’t be shocked if your H becomes like an arch nemesis for a while. Just do not reciprocate. Waywardness is almost like a mental disorder. It has symptoms and observable common behavior traits. You don’t engage a schizophrenic within their own delusional world. You approach them from a rational point of view based in reality.
Also, it takes a long time to feel alive again. It can be lonely, even with tons of friends and family around. That’s normal. You are going to be OK. Keep journaling. Keep working on GAL and 180’s. Check with churches in your area for free group divorce counseling, even if you aren’t religious. You will find out that there are others in the same boat that have the same feelings and they are OLDER than you, they are YOUNGER, they are from other cultures, they are parents, they are single. Divorce hits 30% of America. You need to use all of the tools at your disposal to keep your boat right-side-up so you can navigate these rapids. (Sorry, I saw Bird Box the other day.) You will roller coaster, you will get hit with waves of grief. You will take two steps forward and one back. Everyone here has gone through this.
It will be alright. It really will.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
