There is no real explanation unfortunately. When I found out about my H’s secret life, I purposely deleted all of his text messages from my phone for exactly this reason. I did not want to be able to go back and reread them and wonder what was real and what wasn’t real. My H and I went to the boat show in February and talked about buying our dream boat when we retired. He periodically sent me texts and pictures of boats right up until BD. Lots of I love you’s. Maybe he had one foot in and one foot out? I don’t know. The two weeks after I confronted him, I know he was conflicted. He struggled significantly. But I think when he was around me, the guilt and shame was too much to deal with and he just could not access his feelings for me underneath all of the heaviness. Then, when he went to his hideout, he felt relief from all that. Making me the reason for all of his behaviour has enabled him to let a lot of that go...for now. Like you, I believe it will return one day. Right now he is bending over backwards to be a good dad...trying to make up for his years of neglect, I think. Also...they are blissfully unaware of everything he has done so he feels good around them. I am happy for my children that they have their dad back but sad for them that they have to settle for 50% parents. Not sure I will ever truly forgive my H for that.
Anyway...don’t mean to hijack your thread. Like Yail said... please do not do that again - for your own sake. And don’t let him rob you of your memories of your relationship. It was real. His cheating is not about you...it is about him. I can tell from your posts that you are a fantastic person and I KNOW you have a great future ahead of you and you will get through this. I get what you mean about not liking this though. Like you, I am living in what was supposed to be our forever home. It is not the same without him here but maybe one day it will be better than when he was here. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))).
