Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

So I'm a winner today and did some personal / individual backsliding (nothing that actively involved my H or pursuing). Fair warning, this is a terrible update and I know I have a lot of 2x4s coming.

One of them all started because I've been looking for a way to export all the text messages from my phone. I found a program that does it and spend the early afternoon connecting my phone and getting the content downloaded. Then I exported it to PDF. And then, as one clearly HAS to do, I read about 2 year's worth of texts between me and H.

There was even more evidence than I thought of our LOVE for each other. Even in the year leading up to BD, which I did think was a rough year... there are messages like this:

In 2017 (all around halfway through the year or a little later, around the time we decided to start building our house):
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H: "Love you too my super awesome and hot wifey"
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H: "Love you"
W: "Love you toooo"
H: "Glad we're married"

GLAD WE'RE MARRIED!! This kills me! I instantly cried when I read that. I had forgotten all about this message. And then I remembered other times where he said something like this as he was telling me a story about the owner of the place he worked for going through a divorce and then overworking my H - he told me he pushed back on him and said something to the effect of "I actually want to stay married" or something like that. WTF changed here?!

It's also slightly random of a message to send and on one hand I wonder if this was because he was starting to get involved with OW and this was him rethinking it all and appreciating me more for a minute..so again, what changed!?
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In September '17:

H: "I'm so lucky to have such a great woman in my life! I talk and brag about you all the time. I'm proud of the person you are. You make me a better person just having you in my life! I know you're a little stressed right now but know that we got this. We always do. Things will work out at work for you. We just took a huge step personally in purchasing a house which I have no regrets. We've both worked so hard for this and I'm happy that we're able to get something nice that's ours. I love you so much babe!"

W: "Morning babe. Thank you for sweet note. I love you and happy to have you in my life too. I just get nervous about new things but that's why I need you. I don't know what I would be doing without you sometimes because you are my best friend."
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H had just told me about a good lunch he had from work.

W: "Yeah I think we need to go on a date"
H: "For sure! I apologize for not dating you as much. Been too focused on saving house money but dating you is more important."

Same day, different convo about my work where layoffs were happening and I was worried:

H: "You should be proactive babe. I don't like what I'm hearing."
W: "I am"
H: "Me too"
W: "I think I'll be okay until we get in the house but I'm def gonna be looking after that"
H: "I have no doubt you'll find something. I'm lucky. I have a smart and hot wifey."
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I also have 3 separate convos, from varying points in time, where I had been having dreams about him either leaving me or cheating on me. Clearly it's a fear I've always had subconsciously, which makes the fact that he actually did it even worse. Usually he hated that I'd have dreams like that and this message makes me even more sick:

W: "I had a dream you were leaving me because you couldn't stop thinking about another girl."
H: "You are retarded"
W: "That's not nice"
H: "Dreaming about me leaving you for another woman isn't nice."
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I want to send all of these to my H, or maybe OW would be even better, and be like WHAT IS THIS?! WE WERE FINE!! I don't get it. I really don't. I don't know how it's possible and it really emphasized the good parts of our M that I adored. Anyone else who would read our entire 2.5 years of texts would NEVER have been able to predict this, I'm sure of it.

The second backslide is *winces* I looked at OWs pins again. And she continues to save memes and gift ideas that specifically mention "HUSBAND". Like:

"Home is where my husband is"

"When I wake up and look at him, I still can't believe he's mine. How did I get so lucky?"

"Finding your soulmate is a blessing, but finding your teammate is a whole different blessing. You can love someone and they can love you he same way, but them being committed to never leaving you is priceless."
CAN I SCREAM YET?!

Valentine's card idea she saved to gift board:
"I love you. You are my rock, my number one, the good ending to a bad day and the best start to a new day. You are my:
H andsome
U nique
S upportive
B uff
A musing
N nurturing
D edicated"

I seriously want to know WTF is going on that this girl is so set on "husband" stuff... my H isn't even divorced and even if he was single dontcha think she's rushing a bit??? And it took my H 5 effing years to propose to me, would he really be talking marriage with this girl before even being divorced?? I mean yeah I guess anyone can say whatever they want, doing it is another thing, and if they're so infatuated with each other maybe it's all talk.

I'm actually getting a little pit in my stomach just thinking about all of this. And it's one thing that makes me WANT to stay married to him, just out of the principle in making HER look stupid that she thinks she's gonna marry someone who won't even divorce his current wife!

And ALL of these things DO sound like my H. I can see how she would feel lucky to have him, aside from the whole irony of commitment thing...it makes me feel like I did truly "lose" against someone else. I know that sounds so stupid but I also know how it feels to have my H around, and it feels just like I imagine her feeling and I am so mad that she gets to have that with MY husband!

How does one go from all of those sweet messages, loving being married to me, to THAT in a matter of months?? It doesn't seem real. It makes me want to pursue H and show him and hope that he remembers.

I won't. I know I can't. But I hope with all of the life within me that H is just burying all of those feelings and lying to himself and that one day they will bubble up like a ton of f#$^ing bricks. It should NOT be possible for someone to be like that and then be able to live their rest of their lives as if it never happened.

Sorry guys. I know I just did all of this to myself. And now I'm trying to think how I can make 2019 a way better year and start it off on the right foot and I just have no idea how with all of this still hanging in the balance.

Guess I'll try to check in tomorrow and work on making it better news..