Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Does this make him an MLCer or somebody with narcissistic tendencies? He struggles to see the wrong and hurt he’s caused because of his need to be seen by someone as Mr nice guy and to constantly tell him how wonderful he is. He lacks empathy and always has.

I definitely see the lack of empathy, although my H seemed to SAY that he knew he did wrong and I deserve better blah blah blah. But I never felt like he truly felt that way and certainly didn't act that way even in other situations beyond our M.

Prior to this he found other ways to feed the narcissistic tendencies: lots of community volunteering so that people could say how they couldnt manage without him; new car because he deserved it, but actually couldn’t afford it, constantly reminding people that he had 35 years experience as a lawyer and what did these young lawyers know.

My H jumped from job to job and was always in a position where he was the most experienced one, but he didn't necessarily "brag" about it. I don't think he needed to in the environments he was in, given almost everyone is younger in that field. My H was also ALWAYS very frugal and didn't seem to have any instances where he suddenly was buying shiny new toys. So for me I can't quite decide what's going on with my H. He meets some criteria for many things but not all.

He actually said “ I don’t think you need me anymore and I don’t know where I fit in your life”.

. Wow. I mean, at least he was aware of that, but it is absolutely ridiculous.

So, I believe that he created all the MLC traits of fog and confusion by his actions, not the other way round. It’s a character flaw not an illness. I’m sure some may realise that the grass wasn’t greener in time, and settle for what he had because it’s easier and his W has realised how much she missed the marriage. But what about the next time he hits a trough and nobody’s feeding the narcissist sufficiently to feed his ego.

Completely agree here... it's just SO hard to wrap my mind around given how great he was for so long. And as far as I know he's never screwed someone over like this before. Being able to "hide" those character flaws for so long is another talent in itself. And yeah, I'm sure we "miss" some things, but to that extent? It's mind boggling.

It takes a lot of effort and manipulation to keep a mistress and a wife happy and apart. Call me a cynic but all the MLC phrases only came into play when his 2 year double life was revealed. How convenient. He didn’t want to lose what he had and in fact for 3 months didn’t as I danced the ‘pick me dance’

This is a difference in our sitches, because my H didn't seem to want to keep me at all. As soon as I found out there was actually an OW, it was weird because it wasn't like he volunteered to leave me, but he also clearly did not want to stay. I just had enough of him acting like he didn't know how to make any decisions in his life (after months of him trickling out stories of being unhappy with me and withdrawing from me but not making any other effort to improve his life or our life together), and it was making me feel less of myself and extremely distressed to just be waiting around to see what happens. So I gave him the choice to work on our M or leave, and he simply "chose" to leave (but I think in his head he thinks of it as I kicked him out, to make him feel better).

Im going to post an update on multiple text messages I reviewed today (yep, I did a personal backslide, yay me) that just confuse me even further....ugh.