Juju, hope you have a happy holiday and Merry Christmas!
It's been a long, long time since I've posted on your thread in any meaningful way. Maybe a couple of years now? I'm not sure. Which is odd, because I used to post all the time. There was a time when you were in limbo, and during that time you were trying to figure out if your marriage was still savable, and if your WAH could possibly have valid reasons for needing to distance himself from you. But then the D was final and some of his deceptions got uncovered, and one day everything changed. It has been rage ever since. You've now diagnosed your WAH, assigned him the total responsibility for the breakdown of his marriage, and continue to screen more and more of your marital history for supporting evidence.
I guess I was afraid to post because I don't always agree but don't want that rage directed at me. I want to be free to share my own thoughts but was waiting for you to cool down a bit first so you were in a better place. But I think it's been a couple of years now Juju.
Hey Zues. IRL, I am certainly not a raging, bitter, female version of Archie Bunker with an anti cheater agenda. I think we are both pro marriage. I believe we differ in that I do not believe in unconditional marriage. I believe that most LBS have been gas lighted and manipulated and abused and that the worst thing for them early on is to place the emphasis on what they needed to do differently in the marriage. (Although I agree that its important for them later on for personal growth and so that they have the chance at a successful relationship. I think its dangerous when they start thinking it was their actions that encouraged a spouse to cheat or do drugs or destroy a families finances) I think that a lot of the walkaways on here do have some sort of addiction or personality disorder. And that's putting it nicely. I do not tend to truly feel rage at another poster - unless they give me an impression that they are personality disordered. That they cheated on their spouse. That they are on here looking for attention from desperate LBS. And even then, its not really a rage. Its more of a feeling of annoyance. Point being made, is that I have never felt any rage for you or your opinions. I view you as someone that was also abused and manipulated by an ex and is just on here looking for answers and sharing growth with others.
You have always been one of my favorite posters. I want to see the next chapter of your life be everything it can be. Well, at one point you said your anger has played a role in the loss of your marriage. It seems like it may be impacting your life right now. Who's signature is it that says "You can be right or you can be married?" The benefit of viewing your XH as the bad guy is you get to be right. The negative is you keep doing what you've always done and maintain a red hot anger which isn't fun for you or others. Now, I know these are DB forums, so maybe you don't breath a word of any negativity to anyone else, and then you just post here once in a while when you need to blow off steam, and as a result it comes across wrong. I get it J. But even still, my threads don't have the same tone as yours.
The thing is, I am right. I was right all along and was being denied that by my ex. That is called gas lighting. And it was really traumatic for me. I believed I was abusive. I was a nag. I was asking for things well beyond what is the norm for a relationship. And guess what. I wasnt!!!...
I had a really tough delivery. I wont bore you with the details. But something was not right about it. After the delivery I kept going over it and over it and over it. I kept talking about it. Trying to make sense of it. Basically what happened, was the delivery nurse ( who was young) and doctor got into a big disagreement. The doctor wanted to proove the nurse wrong and did something that could have been really dangerous to me and my son. I remember another nurse came in and was actually hugging my nurse and telling her she was right after the doctor left. (BTW, the nurse was 100% in the right) But points being made: 1. People need to be validated when they are right. When they are dealing with big egos. Its for the good of everyone involved that right is right. Its not always a case of different perspectives when lives are affected. 2. It took me a long time to get over trauma. I needed to understand what actually happened. I know this is a long time. He left us in 2015. I am still trying to make sense of something that felt like a big whirl wind. i think, because I dont understand a lot of it
Is letting go of anger a goal of yours? Are you working with IC on this at all? Were you like this during the M, or is this a new thing now that the M is over? Is there something the anger is doing for you that you need it for?
These are great questions. I dont work with an IC. It was expensive and lots of listening to myself talk over and over. In my marriage, I think I put up with more then other women would have. I really believe that my ex is not going to have an easy time in a real relationship with someone. I am honestly not a difficult person to get along with. I was not unreasonable.
I've missed talking to you and have a lot I'd like to catch up on.
[color:#6666CC] Me too! Happy New Years.
Again, it's Christmas Eve and I hope you make it a magical day with your son!!!
