Thanks guys. I've been super busy with the holidays and son being off and work so have not been able to respond to some really good posts. But I have been thinking about them.
Ginger, I guess my anger is unproductive. No good comes from it and I have been told that continuing to go there is like picking on a slimy, festering scab so that it never heals. I know that life is not fair. That people are not treated fairly. That holocausts are real and that there are people suffering and children starving. I know that, but it is still there. I am still really really mad at my ex.
Now, i know to keep my anger a secret. I do not broadcast this anger to my coworkers or family. I especially do not let my son see it. You met me. IRL I am pretty sure I come across as softer spoken, easy going, nice to talk to. I am actually given the patients that other therapists cant handle. My boss knows that I wont get upset at the things others will. That I wont take it to heart and just do my job and move on. Most people will describe me as patient and very sweet with my son and other kids. (obviously I do lose it but it takes me longer) But this anger at my ex- or perhaps obsessive thoughts wake me up at 3 AM (often the time I post here) or enter while I am driving alone in my car. Or get triggered by an article or news feed. Like the thoughts that inspired my last post came from a article that popped up about that wife killer, Scott Peterson - which sent me into a panic. Because I started thinking how similar the lack of emotions were from my ex. How similar the images were. I am not joking when I write that I worry about hit men.
I think I just feel really traumatized. By how it went down. And by how he treated me prior to BD. I trusted him more then anyone. I shared everything with him. He was living a double life for years. I was a cover for him. Other explanation is its part of an obsessive issue - like some form of anxiety. That could be a possibility. I have been to ICs etc. And it never seems to be worth the money or time cause I do not get any real help.
