Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[sandi2]

I also understand that you believe my W is not a WW, at least not yet, and you’ll treat her more as a WAW, which is fine by me.

I wasn't seeing her as either one when I first posted. I recognized everything that was setting the stage. I saw her on the verge of becoming a WW, but was hoping it could be turned around before more damage was done to the MR. I saw her as a young mother suffering from PPD. Having personally suffered PPD, I know how vulnerable a woman can feel, along with other issues that resulted in disappointments and unfulfilled expectations.

I’m sure she’s ripe to having an A....and I probably am too. But this guy has been in her life for the last 3.5 years or so. I’ve had to learn to swallow it and accept his presence in her life for work. But I’m not okay with it, and will probably never completely be.

Since becoming a wife, has she always had male friends that sort of left you excluded from their friendship activity? How does she act about her phone? Does she guard it, lay it down face first, keep it glued to her everywhere she goes in the house? When texting, does she try to hide the message from you, turning the phone where you can't see what she is typing? When she receives a call or text, does she go to another room to take it, or turn where you can't see who is contacting her? Does she sleep with it? Do you ever look at her phone, pick it up when it rings, etc.? If so, does she try to take it from you before you see anything (considering you pick it up in her presence)?

Even if she sees this other guy and her as "just friends", she is so vulnerable for male attention, emotional closeness, and adoration, that that so-called friendship can shift gears quicker than snapping your fingers. He's in an unhappy M, too, so that increases the chances of an EA. And, let me tell ya...…..EA's are very serious, especially for the woman. If you are one of these men who say they aren't too worried about it, as long as it doesn't become a PA...…..then you aren't fully aware of the damage an EA can cause a MR. The OM may be in for kicks, or to feed his ego....or hoping it will lead to a PA, but it goes much deeper for the woman.

Does she get out much since the baby was born? How old is he now?

As for your thoughts about having to accept the OM's presence in your MR...……...no, you don't have to accept it. Anytime a spouse feels uncomfortable about a friendship the other spouse is pursuing....(or not pursuing)……..it should end the minute this is expressed to that spouse. And if that spouse chooses the friendship over the MR, then one of the spouses is way off track. Know what I mean? You are the man in this MR, the head of the home, and the protector. If you ask your W to end the contacts with OM, and she refuses, then she is giving more value to her relationship with OM......than her relationship with you. Now, if you were some unreasonable, jealous, controlling H who never approved of anyone that was her friend.....then I might question the motive. But, I don't get that impression from you.

You are a man who believes in doing what is morally right, and if you feel this "friendship" is becoming a threat to your MR, then you may need to consider addressing it. I don't know if others have already discussed it with you. I don't know if you have studied the link on setting boundaries. If you haven't, then I suggest you start reading it. Don't make any sudden moves. Just read it. That's all.

Here's the thing. If she can't have private friendships or male friendships that excludes you...……...then the same rule applies to your friendships. If she is uncomfortable about you being friends with someone and she wants you to end it...…….will you? Even your lifelong friend? If your W felt threatened or suspected some OW was getting too close for comfort...….would you drop the friend? You need to think about it carefully, before opening your mouth about your W's friendships. And, I'm certainly not accusing or comparing your friendships to an inappropriate friendship she might be having. You can't have a doubled standard, and that's what your W will try to hit you with, if you have female friendships that exclude her.

I'm going to express a few thoughts that you may not like, or agree, but there is something that is causing concern for me. Maybe you are just trying to build confidence or it's a way to keep you distracted, or maybe b/c you haven't had sex in a while, IDK. I'm referring to the little remarks about your female students, co-workers, or just women in your vicinity. I don't really think you mean anything serious about what you say, and don't get me wrong, you can express whatever you want. It's your thread. At first, I thought you may be trying to psych yourself up to get through this ordeal. It just seems that those statements are linked to the way you have talked about not getting sex....and how you know you wouldn't have trouble getting a woman (should there be a D).......and your W's physical appearance after having the baby. Do you agree that it could be seen as disrespectful to criticize the one who has given birth to your child within the past recent months....not to mention what that does to your own mindset.

Can you say how much of what you are feeling is tied to the IUD, and how much is tied to having no sex? I think it's all connected, but the main vein to your problem seems to be the lack of sex. If this is true, then I suspect she reads it loud and clear. She could be seeing you as acting selfish, unconcerned, cold, and pouting. Now, if she's emerged in an affair, then cancel that last sentence. If she's not in an EA, yet, then I'm concerned that she is not seeing the guy you are trying to represent.

Do you see yourself as a guy with NGS? You made some references to how you use to be, but unless I have forgotten something (and it's possible) I can't say I have really noticed it. Maybe I need to read your first thread again.