Husband left for the second time - 8

[PsySara]

Hey Nicole,

First of all, you are doing the right thing. Secondly, it will FEEL awful because DBing is very counter-intuitive. But the fact is, your WH can still be part of your daughter's life without needing to be all up in your face all the time. As a matter of fact, it will likely be more healthy for your daughter to see a happy mother than to see you suffer. And trust me, she is seeing her mother in pain right now. Detachment isn't about apathy or numbness, it's about no longer being co-dependent on your WH's every mood or action. My coach told me to pretend my WH was in a coma on life support and meanwhile this twin brother of his was acting a'fool.

I was in agony a lot when WH was going through whatever he was going through. I was not a good detachment person. I kept clinging to the vision of how he used to be. I kept trying different ways to "win him back." Then I finally dropped the rope and filed for divorce. We went before a judge twice (WH got some verbal castigation about not doing his paperwork in a timely manner) and only when I helped my WH do a walk-through of potential houses he wanted to buy, did it hit him between the eyes. I was fully prepared to walk away if the AHA! moment never happened. I felt a lifetime of being single was preferable to living with this selfish jerk. Only when WH felt I was deadly serious did he open his eyes. If he never opened his eyes then I was prepared to let go.

Will your WH have this moment? Not sure, he's very deep in his wayward journey and being extremely selfish. I get the feeling that he will likely make more overtures towards you if he senses you're moving on and he might lose his old toy. You need to be comfortable telling him no if he just simply says the words. I would keep the boundaries in place that make you feel healthier, if that includes him not coming into your home then so be it. But at this point detach for your own health.