Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[sandi2]

Those thoughts then snowballed into a total negative thought process and took me to a dark Christmas day in which I ended up in a screaming match with my father after he told me that no one wanted to date me because I was too fat. So...PTSD.

OMG! This makes my heart hurt. I can't imagine how that affected you. I can't imagine having a parent who would chop you up, instead of being in your corner and urging a healthy self esteem in their child. To see your determination to better yourself in the face of pessimism causes a mountain of admiration and respect from me, and I'm sure for others on the board as well as people who know you IRL. It takes so much self discipline to whip your body into shape, and to mold a better mental attitude, etc. Hearing about the lack of support from your father, tells me that you have developed an inner strength all by yourself. You may not have had cheerleaders IRL (or at least the ones you would have loved having), and you may not see your initial desired outcome to date...…..but you have not given up on yourself, and that is so admirable. Just so you know, this board supports you and all the work you have accomplished thus far. (((hugs)))

I do my best to GAL on the days I share the house, but sometimes there are periods where I cannot really go anywhere. Yesterday was one of those days.

Do you have the kids during these periods, or you can't GAL for other reasons? If you are home, could you do exercises there? How about reading a good book you have set aside, watch motivational videos, or try out a new recipe? I may be wrong, but I think having something to look forward to whenever you are in a period where you can't get out, may help prevent getting the mully grubbs on those days/nights.

I just am afraid of going through the dating and courtship process again if I have to move on from current WW. The unknown is scary when it comes to dating. Even moreso when I consider the history I have had with dating. I think that is what is most upsetting. History repeating itself.

History won't repeat itself, b/c you are not the same person as you were back then. IDK, but I think your father and your own body image issues, as well as having other negative experiences, did such a number on your self esteem and confidence as a man...….that little voice whispers in your ear reminding you of the past. Well, you have shown that you are no longer that same person, and you are growing stronger every day. It's nice to show those people how wrong they were about you...….but it's more important to prove it to yourself. Know what I mean? If these others IRL see the changes, that's just a nice addition.....but you can live without their approval or lack thereof. Know how I know? B/c you have already proved that you could certainly live with their criticism. Maybe you have imagined your father telling you how wrong he was to tell his son those ugly words, and how he is proud you. That's something we all desire to hear from our parents, especially if they have expressed negative opinions of us. It's human to want our parents to be pleased, even proud how we turned out as an adult. Some people don't get that from a parent. Especially if something was said in anger a long time ago, and that parent has too much stubborn pride to make amends and tell themselves the son or daughter has forgotten all about what's been said in the past.... and they just tries to sweep it under the rug. Sometimes therapy is needed to help that son or daughter deal with the inner pain and destruction that parent caused.

As for dating, you don't have to date until you want to date. In fact, I think you need to wait a little while to experience just being single......being free to basically do what you want.....not having to give account to a spouse or a parent. I think once you really are single, you can focus more on building your confidence. Currently, you have a negative package that comes in the form of your WW. To know that you have done so much work on your self, in spite of your WW and lack of parental support, tells me that you are taking back your b@lls and becoming the man you want to be.

I can see more clearly how you were emotionally dependent on being a husband and a father. It defined something for you. Maybe it defined who you were. Maybe it showed your father that you could get M and have a family.
And now......that security of being married and having that united family and home life seems to be shifting or fading. Is it difficult to image yourself in a new life? How about a happy new life? I think mentally you realize that you are responsible for your own inner happiness...….but somewhere there is an emotional little whisper that is causing you fear. Fear is an emotion. It may be one the most difficult to conquer, IDK. But I did learn something from a TV evangelist, and I have experienced personally. That message was to "do it anyway". You are afraid? Well then, be afraid and do it anyway. Do it while you are afraid. Do it in spite of your fear. Fear conquers us when we allow it to paralyze us. Fear can prevents us from going through some experience with confidence, stability, decisiveness, assertiveness, and with faith. Fear tells us we can't face some dreaded outcome, or face devastating news, or a change that affects how we live in our surroundings, or a permanent change. Fear is a strong emotion, but it is only an emotion. Don't give it power. Courage is doing something while afraid.

You are doing an amazing job, Pain. In fact, I wish you would consider changing your board name from Pain to something more positive. But if you do, be sure to tell us who you were previously.