Your post resonates so much with me (and probably all of us). I have very mixed feelings about the label MLC as I sometimes feel we use it as an “illness” to try to explain appalling behaviour and defective characters. This is only my opinion. Everyone goes through peaks and troughs in their lives; health, relationships, careers etc etc. The majority of people ride those ups and downs and do what they can to alter things without impacting negatively on other people. I brought up 3 sons, when they reached adulthood I recognised a gap in my life and ‘empty nest syndrome’ so faced it and worked hard to gain a promotion.
I believe that my H reached a similar position in his life for lots of ‘ life reasons’ and his choice was to find another woman to adore him and put him on a pedestal. To do that he had to lie cheat and manipulate because he needed the ongoing approval and respect of his family and acquaintances. He wasn’t feeling adored and that was the overriding need that had to be met, to the cost of all other things. Does this make him an MLCer or somebody with narcissistic tendencies? He struggles to see the wrong and hurt he’s caused because of his need to be seen by someone as Mr nice guy and to constantly tell him how wonderful he is. He lacks empathy and always has.
It would be easy to say oh he’s had a MLC because to the outside world this is so out of character for this fine upstanding moral pillar of the community. But actually his total selfish need for instant gratification was always there and circumstances dictated that it came to the fore. He hasn’t been struck down by an illness. Prior to this he found other ways to feed the narcissistic tendencies: lots of community volunteering so that people could say how they couldnt manage without him; new car because he deserved it, but actually couldn’t afford it, constantly reminding people that he had 35 years experience as a lawyer and what did these young lawyers know. I could go on and on.
When I , his W, no longer made him the focal point of her life because it was my turn to do well in my chosen career, I didn’t have time to adore him every day and validate what a hero he was. He actually said “ I don’t think you need me anymore and I don’t know where I fit in your life”. Therefore after 30 years together he didn’t talk about us and we, but I,I,I.
So yes our Hs have had some sort of crisis but really who doesn’t? Their answer was to find new and shiny to feed the narcissist in them. So, I believe that he created all the MLC traits of fog and confusion by his actions, not the other way round. It’s a character flaw not an illness. I’m sure some may realise that the grass wasn’t greener in time, and settle for what he had because it’s easier and his W has realised how much she missed the marriage. But what about the next time he hits a trough and nobody’s feeding the narcissist sufficiently to feed his ego.
I think as LBS we tend to brush the infidelity under the carpet and excuse it as an ‘alien behaviour’. They made their choice, nobody forced them to pull their pants down. It takes a lot of effort and manipulation to keep a mistress and a wife happy and apart. Call me a cynic but all the MLC phrases only came into play when his 2 year double life was revealed. How convenient. He didn’t want to lose what he had and in fact for 3 months didn’t as I danced the ‘pick me dance’
As I say, just my opinion on my own situation, but I think I see many parallels in other people’s relationships.
