Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Hi everyone.

I had a good time GALing with my friend last night. We made a bunch of food and talked a bunch. In fact we didn't ever turn the TV on!

I felt pretty good after this. I think just having someone else in the house really helps me. I did talk to her about my decision to file and we talked through that some (she actually knows my H from working with him years ago as well). I still feel it's the right decision even though I also still have the feeling that I'M sabotaging the M. I know, really dumb logic but I'm not gonna let it freak me out too much..

I had some bad dreams last night about H, though. Basically that somehow we were physically all in the same place together and I saw the girl he was with, who wasn't the OW I know...so he and OW had broken up and at first I was excited, but then I realized he was just with a different (also young) girl. It was just playing to my fears that even if H and OW don't work out, he may just continue to date other people and never come back to me.

I also still feel like I'm never gonna meet anyone that I connect with like I do with my H. That really bothers me that I can't get past that. Yet I'm also starting to see my H differently sometimes, which is helpful for me to move on, but something I still don't want to believe. Like, I can't help but feel like it's kind of creepy that he was flirting with and engaging in all kinds of inappropriate ways with someone so much younger. Sure she's an "adult" but I mean... compared to him? It just seems weird. I can totally see how if this ISN'T and MLC super fog, I may not ever be able to take my H back.

My friend made a really good comment while she was with me, that she has always felt like while her H is human and doesn't think he would be immune to ever cheating on her, she feels like he respects their relationship too much to put himself in that kind of position. And that is one thing I feel like my H was not good at. He is always the funny guy and I actually even told him once that it made me uncomfortable when he acts certain ways around people he works with because the younger girls may think he is flirting with them. Then what do you know... he's with one of them. I absolutely think he has self-esteem issues and the attention from me just wasn't enough. He needed more.

So now I think I'm imminently approaching the phase of mourning the loss of who I thought my H was. And that seems harder because if my H is not the person I thought he was, then it would mean this is less MLC or something else he will "snap out of", and instead of there just being a few things he needs to work on as a person, it would then mean he would need to have to change a lot more about himself, if that's even possible.

It all seems less and less probable that this will work out. And I don't like that because I just can't stop being SCARED of not finding someone I love like him! That shouldn't even be hard at this point given everything my H is doing, but he seemed like such a great guy before and that guy HAS to exist somewhere right??

*loop continues on and on and on and on*

P.S. I forgot one other positive thing - I am also getting excited about a conference I will be going to with a coworker (another woman) where they have an awards ceremony that everyone dresses up for. I bought a nice dress and I'm excited to get pictures looking all beautiful in it. I just hope I can focus on that and the moment instead of it making me sad that I don't have my H to share the moment with. And I still have a little work to do not letting myself make little comparisons to OW.