What direction NOW? pt. 2

[sandi2]

Thank so much, Sandi! Great explanations and advice.

Well thanks, but most of them can be found in MWD's Divorce Remedy. I added some, put in the explanations, and typed the list up as they came to my mind. I wish I had done a better job, and at least organized it. But that's how they were entering my mind as I typed the post. I've been thinking about trying to do an updated version and add more explanations, since I've been able to see the ones that cause newcomers the most confusion.

Question: My w has been saying that my attitude stinks lately. She says at times I'm borderline rude and pushing her away. Do you think that means that she has noticed a shift...or that I need to work on being nicer to her while following the rules?? I don't think I've been rude or had a bad attitude at all...I've just been a lot less talkative and more direct with short answers. She has also used the term "Mr. Independent" to describe me lately.

I have found newcomers, and especially if they have NGS, to struggle in finding balance. They go from one end of the spectrum to the extreme opposite end. Finding the middle is difficult for them. So, my guess is that you are coming across to her as being cold, angry, or pouting. This is true for some who are trying to learn how to detach.

I remember some people thinking the rule about not starting conversations meant not to speak.

This morning she asks me "do you think we will ever try to be intimate again?" My response was "I don't know"

When she asks stupid questions, just look at her as if she's lost her mind and say, "Seriously?" If it were you seeing OW, would your W be checking to see if the two of you will ever have sex again? I doubt it.

SHe then went on a speech about how she is trying so hard to end the affair...saying she hasn't seen him in weeks and she has said NO to every request from him to get together for weeks.

There is no "try" in ending an affair. There is no tapering off. There is no one last time in order to get "closure". It has to be sudden, final, and forever. As long as she is having any sort of contact with him, she'll stay addicted. Once she ends all contact, then she'll go through withdrawals and think she's going to die if she doesn't have some type of contact with him. The fact that the OM is still contacting her shows that she has not done what she needs to do to stop an A. She has not convince the OM that she really means it. Apparently, she has not blocked him from her phone or however he's contacting her. She's spoiled and doesn't want to end the A. She's probably crying and telling him how hard this is for her, and how much she misses him. If she's said this to her H, why wouldn't say it to her lover?

If my spouse told me that he was trying to end his A with OW......I would be so furious there's no telling what I might do, but one thing is for sure, he'd know not to tell me he was trying to stop screwing another woman or trying to not talk to her! But you see, I have also leaned that women who become WW's usually have a certain temperament and spunk.... and based on the stories here, the majority seem to be M to men with NGS.

she was almost arguing with herself about how hard it has been to back away from OM...and that she feels she deserves at least some credit for trying/doing better.

No credit earned as long as she continues to interact with OM. She is milking this for what all it's worth. What? You are suppose to feel sorry for her or praise her for not doing him recently? Like I said, think of how it would be if you were the one in an A.

Let me tell you something else that is often seen in WW cases. The WW is motivated by her selfishness, and she has a sense of entitlement. She can act like a spoiled brat, b/c her nice-guy H has spoiled her rotten. The more spoiled and bigger sense of entitlement......the tougher love the H has to apply.

I did my best to validate her feelings...and said that if she truly wants to work on saving our marriage...it has to be over.

How? What did you say to validate her feelings? I mean, LBH's are always saying that they validate the WW, but they don't say how they validate. Call me cold.....call me mean and hateful.....but I would not validate a WW who is crying over not being able to see her AP. Look, this is exactly why your WW feels she can cheat on you and show disrespect.....b/c you are too nice. You are too soft. You want to know why she continued sounding as if she was arguing with herself? B/c she wanted to get a sympathetic response, and wanted you to do your comforting thing when she turns on the tears. She temp checked you.

I did my best to validate her feelings...look her in eye...and using as few words as possible. In the end I reminded her that she asked for time & space to work thru this...and I have been giving her that. I said now it's me that is taking time & space to figure our what I want to do. Then I walked away.

I liked that last part you said, and then walked away. However, she's not convinced.

She left with her son to go shopping

Real tore up, wasn't she?

I left the house to gal.

That's great! Exactly what you should have done!

She called just now to say they are on the way home...and asked other kid related questions...normal phone call.

No, this was no "normal" phone call. She just temp checked you again. That was her way to see if she could determine if you sounded upset or cold or whatever, after you said your little bit and walked away from her. And also, she wanted to know where the heck you were (b/c you didn't check with her), what you were doing, and when you would be home. Yep! That's okay, you've made a good start. Now, just hang with it, b/c it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I try not to dissect every conversation with her...but that is kind of a side effect of this board.

Well, you'll see a lot of posts where we dissect someone else's post on their thread, b/c that's one of the ways we can specifically point things out and try to tell you what was really going on with the spouse, and try to offer the tools to use if they experience it again. And then there are a lot of newcomers who dissect there spouse's actions, etc., due to their own stress about their sitch. But I'm glad you brought this up, b/c I don't want you to feel like anyone is beating you up or picking on you. I have felt a little sorry for some newcomers who feel like they can't do anything right. They don't know it's just cause we love 'em.