Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Yesterday after work and after much forum reading, I broke down in my car before heading home. All I can attribute it to was cycling grief and that 24 years ago on New Years, I had hopes to be with her but that didn't work out because she was with her ex. Now I feel like she will be with me but maybe her heart is elsewhere... I felt bad for not putting that kind of attachment to Christmas when thinking about my children and their imminent pain. Maybe I am trying to deal with things only in the moment. I have no idea but I didn't like being weak or crying.

As I was in my car in the emptying garage, one of my close friends called me. He doesn't know of my sitch but wanted to know how I was doing also because of the W FB pics without me in them. I explained the break down of the MR, and he asked if she was cheating or how'd I know. I told him that wasn't important. I told him of my journey now and how I acknowledged my part of the issues. He had dated his childhood sweetheart for many, many years like I had done. I look to this guy like a younger brother. He told me the reason they eventually split was because he has 2 felonies and went to school to be a mechanic while she got her masters and made it feel like he was crap. He said she told him he was nothing with her 6 figure salary. He said he also knew she was talking to a guy at work. I guess he wanted to empathize with me. He's with another woman now and going through his own struggles with her. Their son has 2 bouts with leukemia and is currently in the clear but problems loom over him. Their house got flooded, his W works nightshifts, and he's at home all day at the in laws. I warned him about my sitch. He says he sees it in his... So after our talk, it made me feel a little better. He also said he will call me back to discuss his sitch because a lot of what I said rang true in his. I told him he better hip that chit in the bud so I will hopefully help someone else. That night i went to a restaurant for the first time by myself. Ate and read. Ate, went home, and crashed. W was out with the kids at her brother's house.

So this morning, I've been in the MBR all day. W came to the door knocked and said she made some breakfast. I go out with the little one and eat. I go back into the MBR after a little while. She knocks, comes in, and says her mother will be in the guest bedroom in the house. She said the bed came in for the room. She also said we needed to have a serious talk.

So... I laid in bed, listening. She opens up with her not knowing how the future looked. She said she felt bad because this year it seemed like I checked out, I wasn't there. She went on to explain several different occasions and things I had done or not done and how it made her feel. One of the things She mentioned was how her work made her feel, like she was in control and was somebody and when she didn't go on a trip, she wanted me to listen instead of playing devils advocate. She said she didn't want us to be like her father and mother living in separate rooms. She talked about her dad passing and how she wished she could still come to me freely. When she said I stopped caring about my health she got scared and i told her I understood what i had done. I debated on admitting this but i felt it was the right time to let her know i had been doing some thinking and that i knew i was being codependent on her and i had taken her for granted. She opened up to me for an hour of talking. I mostly listened... sat, quietly, looking at her crying and we sat more. She would let time pass and say something else. I would nod or say i see what you are saying, or I hear you. Some cases I would say I agree. She told me she was tired of being the one to do everything and sometimes wanted me to step up. She kept repeating she didn't want to be like her parents. She said she had a lot of anger and resentment she had to deal with. She said she doesn't know what our future looks like and she is so sad about it.

She said she was sorry she was not the one i wanted to be with, that I blamed my unhappiness on her. I let her say how she felt. I didn't say no or try to fix it. After a while she mentioned something about the food and how terrible she is at certain things like cooking. She recently made a pot of gumbo and she said she had a stomach ache for 3 days. I acknowledged and said me too, but i didn't want to say anything. We both laughed. I did tell her she was right in that the other me, this old me maybe would have said something and complained. I didn't want to tell her i changed, i want to work on this or that there is hope to give me another chance. I refrained from wanting to say so much.

She said she missed our talks and now things are awkward. She said she is happy with all of my changes and asked me a couple of questions about my weight, and going out. She said she could see a difference from me going out and what that is doing for me, i said she was right. She apologized for hurting me.

The conversation moved out from the MBR and i thought we were done when something came at the front door but she continued to want to talk. She said she missed us, the friendship and asked if we could still be friends. I had this look bunching my eyebrows together. She said not like that, she said maybe we can talk to see where this is going to fix it. I told her i could not be her friend and said no more. She said its just so awkward, and i said yeah, I know... i think it comes with the territory. I did say this, when that day happened the way it did and because of what she said that's he wanted D, she drew that line in the sand and we are on separate sides. She agreed. She asked me what did I want to do. I told her this is not something I could answer. I told her she has to figure this out for herself. She has a lot of anger and resentment. She asked me if i was going to be okay. I said yes. She said she is going to see about going to counseling. I paused, then said ok. Then she popped a bottle of persico and our son came in, and the talk changed to something else.

I left to get rdy to go out. Wanted to type this before heading out for a bit. It is all a blur. sorry if this seems like rambling. This is the first time she has opened up for so long, so much, and said she wanted counseling. I wont make nothing of it, and will proceed with extreme caution. I remember trust nothing they say.

I don't know what this will do though and if that's a positive or negative with helping her to sort through her feelings of the anger and resentment. Baby steps right?