Thank so much, Sandi! Great explanations and advice.
I honestly didn't know you were the original author of the rules. I just assumed you were the "local expert" here on this site. You should have written a book!! I've seen them on so many other websites.
I have read the thread on boundaries...I struggle with this. I'd love to be able to tell her "I'm not interested in being with someone who lies and cheats on me...and if it continues, I'm gone". I not at a point that I'm confident I would follow thru with that YET...I do feel I'm getting closer to that point. That's why I continue to do my best to follow the rules and come here for advice.
I feel I'm pretty good at following the rules from a black and white standpoint...meaning I can follow them as written. I will go back in and take them one by one...and try to see my situation within each one and possible tweaks to them.
Question: My w has been saying that my attitude stinks lately. She says at times I'm borderline rude and pushing her away. Do you think that means that she has noticed a shift...or that I need to work on being nicer to her while following the rules?? I don't think I've been rude or had a bad attitude at all...I've just been a lot less talkative and more direct with short answers. She has also used the term "Mr. Independent" to describe me lately.
For example: This morning she asks me "do you think we will ever try to be intimate again?" My response was "I don't know" She said "that's your answer, thats it??" She knows my boundary about not being physical until I'm confident that the OM is out of the picture. I've been able to stick to it. She said she very much misses being close to me...and I did say that I miss it too. SHe then went on a speech about how she is trying so hard to end the affair...saying she hasn't seen him in weeks and she has said NO to every request from him to get together for weeks. I didn't say anything...she was almost arguing with herself about how hard it has been to back away from OM...and that she feels she deserves at least some credit for trying/doing better. I did my best to validate her feelings...and said that if she truly wants to work on saving our marriage...it has to be over. I did my best to validate her feelings...look her in eye...and using as few words as possible. In the end I reminded her that she asked for time & space to work thru this...and I have been giving her that. I said now it's me that is taking time & space to figure our what I want to do. Then I walked away. She left with her son to go shopping...I left the house to gal. She called just now to say they are on the way home...and asked other kid related questions...normal phone call.
I try not to dissect every conversation with her...but that is kind of a side effect of this board. I have benefited greatly from the others and suggestions on here...and it's a great place to journal. I find myself going back and re-reading my posts to remember exactly how situations happened. Nice tool for that.
I have been reading a lot of more sad posts on here as we navigated the holidays. My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling...and the holidays just amplify so much of those emotions. I for one am VERY glad that Christmas is over...and I'm actually looking forward to putting 2018 in the rearview. 2019 is going to be a much better year no matter what happens....either my w and I work to fix our marriage...or I decide to move on without her...and put this ugly chapter behind me. I'm ready...I think.
