Been wondering what’s easier to deal with, the known or unknown.
Month 3 is coming to a close. As I reported on my post about Christmas, H stated he’s not heading towards any decisions about his (our) situation. When I asked him to move out, it was for 2 months and then we would reassess about where to go from there. He’s not even letting me know at the end of the month what his plans are for the next month, much less initiating any R talk. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations at the time. I guess I envisioned after 2 months he would say “I really want to try to work on the M” OR “I think it’s best we D”. I never imagined he would say Nothing! My mistake. If one can avoid something difficult, why would they do it? Over the summer when we were in MC, I suggested we do nothing, make no decisions, until the end of the year, and he was incredulous. “ That’s over 4 months from now!” he said.
Well, here we are at that time with no end in sight. I guess it’s in his control he feels, so now it’s o.k. Would it be easier to know how this will end? Easier to just rip off the band aid, call it quits, and go into action mode to separate our lives. I’m a doer, and action oriented. But, I remind myself that even though I’m not taking any action on the M right now, I am taking a lot of action on MY life. And that’s a good thing.
He was just here for a brief time to drop something off, and yesterday he took care of all the outdoor Christmas decoration. He continues to do the yard work. That’s the extent of dropping by though. I’m o.k. with that for now. As time goes on, though, I’ve been mulling over telling him not to bother. I’ll take care of the yard. I wonder why he continues to do it? It’s not to see me because he usually does it while I’m at work. Well, just one more mystery.
My posts seem to have a recurring theme: waiting. Even though it’s on my mind a lot, I’m not too anxious about it I realize. This journey has changed me so much, in very positive ways, I think. I’m definitely more content than I was at the beginning of the year.
I’m looking forward to what 2019 is going to bring me.
