Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 3)

[sandi2]

Hi Bo, I remember reading your first thread and though I would hold back saying anything. But now, it's getting more difficult to not make a few statements, b/c your W reminds me of my experience after my first baby was born. I won't tell the long story, but I was very young when I married, and I got pregnant the first month of marriage.

Back then it was called "Baby Blues", which almost sounds sweet when compared to the actual months and sometimes years a woman can have PPD. Nobody told me to see a doctor or a therapist. I didn't know there was something wrong with me......I thought something was wrong with my H and our MR. The child was just a little over a year old when I thought I absolutely could not stand for my H to touch me again. That's how bad it had gotten. But still, I thought he was the problem. I tried to leave him and go back home to my parents....just assuming that would be fine with them. Obviously I had not grown up enough b/c they were not too thrilled at my news. Anyway, I was pressured to go back and work on my M (b/c I was raised as a good Christian girl, too). Things would get a little better, but we had issues in the bedroom for most of our M. Many years later, our kids were grown......and I was having an A with a stranger I met over the Internet!!! Who was this person I had become? Well, I won't continue with this story right now, except to say I am here today b/c of the help I received from MWD books, and this board. Oh, and I am still in my M!

I really, really don't want to see you and your W make some of the mistakes that were made in my MR. Your W is so close to leaving you, that it scares me. I don't want to contradict any advice you may have already received. I don't want to contradict my own advice I have been known to give regarding a wayward W situation and confuse any readers. But right now, and until I see something else...….I am not going to talk as if she is wayward. I think she is on the verge, but for now, I am just going to talk about your sitch, as I feel impressed...okay?

She totally seems like there is at least some PPD going on—but I’m not going to push her on it. I’ve said it before—if things are really all that bad (with me, or with PPD, or anything else), she needs to be in front of a professional every week or two

You have made similar comments, and I'm sure that in your way of rationalizing she should know to get herself to a doctor or therapist. Remember me saying how I thought the problem was my H? Maybe she feels that way, too.
Anyway, I just can't help but empathize with both of you, and I really believe this M can be saved if the two of you can be in agreement about some issues. One being...….the birth control vs none BC. First let me say that I am not here to criticize your religious beliefs. You sound very strong in your faith, and should I say something that is offensive, please know it was through ignorance and not intentional.

I always planned to marry a man from the same religious beliefs as mine. So, there were not many boys I dated that weren't from the same church. My H and I came from very similar backgrounds, religious beliefs, education, etc. I have always considered that a blessing, when I see other couples struggling over their beliefs. Anyway, to get on with what I wanted to say...…...my first baby was barely two months old when I realized I was pregnant again. I realized it when I started miscarrying. I had gone on the BC pill, but obviously it had not gone into effect quick enough. At first, I was in shock, and then guess what happened? I was scared to have sex! If I could get pregnant that easy...….I didn't want my H hanging his pants on the bedpost! I suffered another miscarriage before our second child was born. So,. enough about me. Just wanted you to know I understand a little bit where your W might be emotionally/mentally at the moment. I also can see your side, and how you thought you had the perfect match for a lifetime partner.

Since there is tension over your W getting an IUD, I suggest you not make any remarks, comments, facial expressions, sighs or grunts that indicate your feelings on the subject. I don't know your W personally, but I am willing to bet that she highly resents religious views on not using any BC methods at this time in her life. Although she might have shared the same views before having the second baby...….actually going through the process can change a woman's opinion, b/c every pregnancy & delivery is different. It is real easy to resent a H who talks as if they both are pregnant, both are giving birth, nursing, etc...…..when she's thinking, "What part was your body going through?" I don't have to tell you how the modern day woman looks at it as being her body, and her call......b/c I'm sure you are familiar with it. So, I won't. You are not happy that your W seems to be adopting the same views. So until we can figure out how to make the relationship better, will you be able to hold back expressing your feelings surrounding this subject?

I will start another post, since this one has become pretty wordy.