What direction NOW? pt. 2

[sandi2]

Thanks for answering my questions. It really helps in getting a clearer view.

She's smart enough to see no future with him when she really stops and thinks about it. But her emotions have kept her justifying it. But, even though she says she ended it....she hasn't.

She has not ended her A?

The rule I was referring to is the "no talk about marriage unless she starts it"...that combined with the whole pulling back and not believing what she says/does. As she continues to contact the OM and lie about it...I find it hard to stay quiet and let her get away with it. At what point do I say "ENOUGH LIES"? The longer I continue DBing and be patient...the more it feels like I'm letting her get away with whatever she wants. How do I "call the shots" and remain on the DB track?

Okay, gottcha. Well, let's talk about the rules, first. Clearly you read them with your situation in mind, which anyone would normally do. The list, and explanations with the rules were written, were from the view point of a recovering WW......which was me. It started with me typing this short list to a LBS who was a newcomer and had no idea which way to turn. So, I quickly typed up this list and posted it to him. Did I do a sufficient job at explaining them? No, I didn't. I wasn't trying to explain them. This was just suppose to be list of "do's and don'ts". They were passed around and became known as "Sandi's Rules" or some people refer to them as "The 180's". I was even shocked to see them on another website! (Gee, now I wish I had written a book of explanations! ) Oh well, I can always post to individuals who couldn't read my mind when I was listing the "rules". (Just kidding, that's my weird sense of humor showing out.)

Rule #15. "When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative".

This is really about the LBS who tries to keep the other spouse glued to them by pursuing conversations. This LBS will find anything to talk about b/c he sees it as an avenue to hold the other spouse closer. (Have you ever met someone who wouldn't shut up and go on and leave you along?) Even if the LBS is not the talkative type who pursues in conversations, the point is to not place emotional pressure on the spouse that wants out of the MR.

Here's the thing. You are in a situation like you've never experienced (I assume). What might have worked in previous situations where you kissed and made up...…..is going to bomb if you try it now. Almost everything your emotions are screaming to do......you have to do the opposite. You cannot operate from your emotions. They are NOT designed to think, they are designed to feel. So, to help you get to a place where you can operate from a calmer, more collected, organized, mindset.....you are welcome to follow these 37 tips of do's & don'ts. As you become more DB informed, you will need to think about a plan of action that is based on your personal standards, values, integrity, etc.

Now back to your quote: "As she continues to contact the OM and lie about it...I find it hard to stay quiet and let her get away with it. At what point do I say "ENOUGH LIES"? The longer I continue DBing and be patient...the more it feels like I'm letting her get away with whatever she wants. How do I "call the shots" and remain on the DB track?"


So, does your W know that you know she's still contacting OM? The rules are not about letting a wayward spouse get away with cheating. The point of where do you say, "Enough lies", comes in the form of setting personal boundaries. Have you read the link on Cadet's post? Personal boundaries are all about YOU. It's like having an invisible line or shield around you, protecting your feelings. Only you can protect your feelings, and only you decide what can or cannot cross that line to hurt you. If your boundary is not respected, then it's up to you to do something to protect yourself. If a stranger attacked you, you would fight back, run away, or call the police....something, right? That's kind of built in us to protect ourselves from violence. When it comes to those who are the closest to us, it gets more complicated, b/c we love them and we allow them to treat us badly.

Let's say for an example that one of your boundaries is: "I will not stay in a marriage of three"...……..or, "I will not stay in an open marriage". Okay, that boundary is probably based on your values, spiritual/religious beliefs, principles and standards, etc. Obviously, your W has compromised her vows, to say the least, and she is pushing your boundaries hard. Therefore, if you approach her and say, "I will not stay in an open marriage"......then what? What if she doesn't respect it? Then it's up to you to do some action that will protect yourself. You may have to leave her, even get a divorce, in order to protect yourself from the dishonor that's been inflicted. So, don't use a boundary as a threat or an ultimatum. You can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. She has a choice here. She can choose to continue contacting OM, or she can choose to honor your boundary. If she chooses not to honor it, then only YOU can do something. Not her, but you. You set the boundary, she violates it, so you have to backup your words. Understand? This is only one example, and I strongly caution you not to use it, unless you are fully prepared to end the M.

For now, I hope you won't do anything until you run it by here first. Newcomers jump into something before they fully understand, and make matters worse.