Hi all, allow me to respond to today's remarks but I still promise to get through the previous ones as soon as possible.
Adam, thanks a lot for your encouragement. You speak the truth. I will try to keep enduring. I hope you were able to get some sleep!
Joe, thanks. It's good to hear from you since you've been through it. I was thinking of moving overseas but last night my husband was threatening that he'll want 50% custody despite never having cared for our daughter himself. I will do whatever I can, but with a child and such an unpredictable, erratic person with shared legal rights over the child I don't see myself having the same freedom he has. But I'll do my best. My heart is so broken that this beautiful innocent child has to go through this. I'd do anything to offer her a good home with a mother and father. There's nothing that can fix that dream and nothing that can replace having two loving parents united in supporting their child through life. I can't offer it to my daughter on my own. I waited five years after we got married to have a child because I wanted to make sure we were going to stay together. I waited until well after he became a US citizen just to feel like there was no doubt we could raise a child together. Yet here she is, she'll never even remember the brief time we lived as a family before he left. I don't feel like a winner at all, but I do know that I've really tried my best to save this marriage.
Hi Dejavu, thanks for your response. Unfortunately this all started a long time ago, nearly 3.5 years ago. I still wanted to save this marriage for many reasons - for our daughter, because we had a great life together before he left the first time, because we were just about to have the perfect life....I know we deserve better. I just hope I don't have a heart attack from the divorce process because it's just so painful!
Jim, yes that's all true, especially about being widowed being easier. Thankfully I moved on already, in most regards, but the divorce process is obviously the biggest step towards ending a marriage. I do think eventually he will try to come back when he comes to his senses but this has been going on for so many years, and it will likely be years before he comes back, and it would take years to reconcile, so there's not really any hope for the next 10 + years. During that time who knows what will happen. I wish to find a new husband but that'll take a miracle. I'm not so concerned about the financial part of the divorce but I'm more concerned about him wanting any custody over our daughter. He's not a stable person and he's never been a good father. I don't know yet what I'll be able to do, if anything, to prevent him from having her. He never wanted her before, so I think he's only trying to intimidate me now but it's hard to know what he's thinking. He may or may not file for divorce any time soon. His words don't usually equal his actions but I preferred to stay separated until I have a clearer direction in my life. I think it's especially cruel to bring this up during the holidays, just like last year, so our holidays are ruined for the second year.
Hi Ovrrnbw, that's right his mind keeps changing. He was definitely not sure about getting divorced over the summer. Then there was a distinct change which can be best explained by him getting back with his girlfriend of finding a new one. It'd be easier to let him go if we didn't have a child together. Since we do, this means we have to keep being in touch and agreeing on a lot of things for the next 18 to 20 years until she's out-of-college. This makes it much harder, so in your case it's good you and your wife don't have kids!
Ginger, there's so much we don't know about our futures. Right now the part that makes me grieve the most is that our poor daughter has to be caught up in custody issues and fights over things that are beyond her control. My heart is so broken that her life is starting out this way. And her father was giving lame reasons last night to justify the divorce once again like "we were fighting for years" and "the psychologist said we should get divorced." Our fights were really normal ones that all couples have before this happened. I don't even know if he'll file for divorce, but the damage has already been done. I do hope our future gets brighter. We're surviving on our own but there's no safety net - I'll respond to your other message later.
All, today I told my husband I don't want him coming into our apartment anymore. I don't know if that's the right decision, but I don't see any reason to have him lounging on our sofa, using our dishes, having open access to our stuff, and coming-and-going. This really upset our daughter though and she was crying and didn't want to go with him when he came today and I took her down to go with him. He said "you're destroying her" in front of her and I don't want to hurt her any more than she's been hurt, but after the rude, manipulative, intimidating way he spoke last night I don't see why he should come in. We have common areas around our building or they can go to a nearby restaurant or shopping area. I just don't know....it's all so unfair.
