Neffer and Davide, thanks for the support.
AS, thanks for the guidance. Some of those remarks from me I wasnt sure but it did make me feel good.
Updates,
I think I blew a few DB rules miserably in the last 2 weeks, you slip and fall so often even after months of this. Sorry for the long write up.
WH and I were texting back and forth about financial settlements and when he said he's proven to be a great father I responded back saying I am just watching out for the kids because tomorrow his step kids or more of his own might take priority and it went downhill from there, I know, my fault, sigh. Later he started texting about how I am not being a good co-parent by sending him updates of kids and sharing more info during exchanges. So WH sends me pics, videos, and random info about kids. I have kept it to a bare minimum. I tell him what is absolutely necessary and nothing else. I basically told him our definition of co parents is different, I will not update him constantly of how they are when with me, at the same time I completely trust him with his parenting and wont interfere while he has them. I accept all his video calls because it is for the kids and call them when he has them. Other than that I communicate minimally. I dont give a status update when he picks them up nor do I ask for it if he asks them. I assume, they are fed, cleaned etc depending on time of day. I responded that I will be happy to share what he asks for, he basically said, I am not getting it and that I havent changed at all. In a few mins, he re-texted that he was sorry and that he should not have judged me and I just said thank you.
This whole exchange put a damper on my day, any exchanges with him does, it is like I cannot go about my own business. I was hurt by his remark, I was then angry at myself for still letting him hurt me.
I showed the whole exchange to my BFF, she has been my rock thru this, knows both of us well and I trust her fully. She felt that while he came off as being grounded, calm and assertive my messages were full of anger and spite. Although I respond once for his 7-8 msgs, and am polite in my words she could sense this. I needed her honest feedback, I have never asked anyone to look into my private msgs before and this was an eye opener. Although I believe I am handling myself well, it svcks to know I am conveying resentment. Massive DB fail without realizing it I guess. This is so hard to do with kids involved.
Even after 10 months of this, I dont know how to take this like a champ and show only the best of me and let go. I am trying to heal myself but clearly any third person can sense what I leave unsaid.
Another night last week, he asked for schedule change and when he came to pick kids up, D4 was reluctant and wanted to stay home with both her parents. He wanted to just leave the kids with me since he was worried they may cry for me later on. I had him wait for some time until we gently talked her into it and I sent them when she was in a better mood, she wasnt excited but was more open to it. When he asked me to keep the kids, I told him I had plans with a friend that I could not cancel and its almost a year and that I need to move on too. I dont know what made me say that but I really want him to keep his end of the deal with kid times. He has dropped off kids with no prior notice because they were unhappy and I have had to change plans last minute. It is hard as a mother, but isnt it the right approach to say he should stick to his times if he has asked for it?
He has always said I am inflexible and stubborn so may be it is more of the same behavior and 180 fails, but I just want to let be and do what is good for my emotional well being.
I am thinking I will do a summary text just before the exchanges from now on, more like what I get at day care, this way I do not have to talk to him when he is around and I convey the status of kids to him about food, bath, diapers etc.
I like how Cadet compares detachment to the layers of an onion. Well, one more day to live and learn, my layer still seems very initial today. Other days I do so much better.