Remind me, please, are you sleeping in separate bedrooms? If not, then my advice would be to shoot for sleeping in the same bed. Give her time to get comfortable with the physical closeness again. You should be able to recognize her body language, even if she doesn't say anything about what she wants or don't want. You may have to just sleep in the same bed for a while and very gradually increase the touching. You can put your arm around her, snuggle, hold her hand, stroke her arms, back, face and hair......but don't go anywhere around the cookie. If she can't relax and respond in a positive way to these type of touches while in the bed, then she may have intimacy issues. I don't mean she is afraid of her H or of having intercourse, but she has psychological issues that could stem from several things. She may not recognize it as fear of intimacy, but rather thinks something is wrong with her (sees herself as being abnormal) .....or assumes something is wrong in the MR.
So, for some women who have intimacy issues, it may not be the actual intercourse they try to avoid, but the length of time the H spends trying to warm her up sexually. I suppose most men have heard that it takes women longer.....yada, yada. But that warm up time is the intimate part for her......when all her insecurities start talking in her head. It's like when he's wanting the lights left on so he can see her naked body; or he's giving special attention to an area she feels self conscious about; or if he wants to introduce a new position and she feels fat and awkward: or when he tries to give her more passionate kisses...…. but she doesn't seem into it. She might agree to have sex, if he'll just get on with it and not take a long time trying to "warm her up". Women with intimacy problems may not welcome long, wet kisses, or fondling her breast for an hour. She just doesn't seem to warm up during this initial stage. She may turn her head and kiss him on the neck or shoulder to avoid direct contact with his open mouth. She may try to rush him through the initial stage to get to the finish line. This is a woman that has some negative issues with intimacy......for whatever reason. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her H. She is the one with the problem.
I read on some website that it has been scientifically proven that men actually do have a one track mind......whereas women have six tracks. That means she may not be able to forget about everything else and just enjoy having sex. The woman with intimacy problems has to get out of her own head...….and with six tracts, that's not so easy sometimes.
And may I add that whenever a woman listens to other women talk about good sex, or she reads erotic novels, or magazine articles...…..she wants to feel what those women claim to experience. She wants to go crazy and have passionate sex, like the books and movies portray...….,and she feels frustrated that she can't be like these other women. She may blame herself, or she may blame her partner, but she's not happy that she's not enjoying sex. My suggestion to the woman is to find out if there are some phycological hang-ups, and if so....then get therapy. It doesn't hurt just to talk to a therapist about it. Sometimes women just don't know how it affects a man, and if she has a negative attitude about it......it turns into a very sensitive subject to discuss when it's just the H & W trying to work it out on their own. There are a lot of books that can teach us about these things......but if she's unwilling, the books do no good on the shelves.
Also, she needs to have a hormone balancing specialist take blood tests. If her sex hormones are not where they need to be, then her sex drive may be in retirement.....but guess what? They have stuff that helps with that problem.
Anyway, if you feel you can't continue on with this arrangement, you might consider approaching her about sleeping in the same bed and on a permanent basis. Sleeping in separate rooms is not going to help the MR get back on track. So, that's a move that needs to be addressed before the sex talk, IMHO. If she won't agree to it, she's probably going to shut you down about sex. If that happens, then the ball has been thrown back to you...….so what is your next move? Are you ready to walk away from her and the M?
Maybe you will find out where the MR stands......and maybe you won't know anymore after approaching her. It's your call.
Last edited by sandi2; 12/28/1809:09 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
