I'm puttering along, which I guess is considered progress. No major GAL plans tonight. I haven't been spending time with D4 much so I'm hoping to get some quality time in before she goes to see grandparents. I'll be by myself most of next week so I should have an opportunity to really engage in social GAL activities.
Adam, I appreciate you reading through my sitch. And I'm glad that you are applying the techniques to yours. We're all on a similar journey.
I am following ST's sitch now and I saw the following response from Sandi. Her detailed explanation of the WW mindset and how to approach the WW and sitch continues to be a tremendous asset to me.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Her "explanation" of not considering it an A b/c in her mind she had already left you...….is exactly how a WW thinks. She feeds herself her own b.s. It's how she justifies her choices and behavior.
IMHO, the WW should receive a consistent message from the H she has betrayed, and currently threatens to D. The message should be demonstrated in his actions. It should tell her where he stands with her disrespectful behavior.
I remember when WW told me this early last summer after I told her (yelled) WW was cheating on me. Reading this makes me feel less crazy and gives me further clarification of my WW mindset and how much she has manipulated not only me, but her circle of friends and family.
Originally Posted by sandi2
You may wonder where I am going with all of this. It's about consistency. Sure, sometimes there may be something you need to tweak...…...but the message of your actions should be consistent with what you are saying to her. Thus far, you have verbalized a great deal of your message, right? Are your actions matching your words? And are they consistent?
From what I've seen in LBH's, it's the little details that seem to throw them off track. My advice is to know the main message you wish to relay through your actions. You may need to sit and think about it for a bit.
I still struggle with this, but it is becoming a little easier to express my message to her regarding my feelings to her waywardness. The key word here is consistency. That is what I need to do.
Originally Posted by sandi2
If your overall message is "I'm done" or "I'm dumping you b/c you betrayed me", then what actions relay that message? You declined the invitation......which was smart. You told her you didn't want to hang out with her......which was a little harsh for some, but it's certainly consistent with the action. Maybe we can think of some general responses that line up with your main message......and be able to keep it short and simple. I've noticed that some LBH's get very wordy in some of their responses to the WW. It comes off sounding like he's teaching a class!
I am very guilty of this. And everytime I talk I say more than I mean to say and I end up kicking myself for saying too much and giving her some power back. I anticipate another such conversation soon.
Originally Posted by sandi2
You already suspect these moves by the WW as being temp checks or some other form of manipulation. Something else some WW's do is try to "normalize" their family activities, etc. She may be cake eating or whatever, but it's usually an act of manipulation.Some LBH's make the mistake of thinking she is "reaching out" or that "she's making baby steps". No, she's not doing either one. As long as there is any other guy in the picture (regardless of what she claims), and as long as she has shown no effort in making amends for her waywardness...…..then the LBH should not jump at her suggestion to eat out or have some other form of family activity together. Why? B/c she can't have the marriage and family.....and other "relationships" that exclude her H. She doesn't get to have the best of both worlds. She has to realize that she is losing something as a result of her bad decisions. As long as she gets to play house & family, she's not going to recognize much loss.
The going out to dinner crap happened twice in the last two weeks. And I knew it felt wrong. Ovr even told me so and told me to knock it off. She get clever sometimes by getting take out, but I am not sure how to approach that. I think being truly distant this next week will allow me to learn more and get more insight on how to handle these temp checks.
Originally Posted by sandi2
The WW needs to wonder if she's losing her H. That's why she snoops in your things and the bedroom, to see if there is any indication of some other woman. Currently, she doesn't want to be your wife.....but she doesn't want to be replaced, either. (Crazy, I know.)
She asks me sometimes about me going on dates and to "let her know" so that she can "make arrangements to watch D4".
Originally Posted by sandi2
If she believes her H is dumping her, she'll try several things to temp check his emotional attachment to the MR. The H has to be strong enough to walk away from the temptation, if he's going to be consistent in his message/stance. When the little details in life confuse him, he needs to regroup and remember his overall message he's explaining through his actions. What message is his WW getting by watching his actions?
Slowly she is realizing that. I am seeing the crap WW is pulling and I am getting tired of it. Check my day 151 post.
