Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Thanks team!! Tried to be funny, it helped a little.

I definitely do not want a rebound relationship. And I think my level of pickiness is going to skyrocket. In fact I think part of my fear is the fact that I have never really "chosen" my mates before at all. It's always just "happened" and with H I thought it was meant to be for that reason. The prospect of me having to FIND that person is terrifying. Yet I know if I just sit here in the house forever, there's no way I'll find anyone or even be found!

Grace and DV, I'm right there with you not feeling like I want anyone else. And I am also trying my hardest to think of the same things you are regarding the things I was already living without when H was here.

* How he hadn't slept in the bed with me for over a year, if not closer to two.
* How he worked almost every single weekend.
* How he had stopped watching TV with me and didn't seem to care if I tried to watch what he was watching with him.
* How he stopped cooking for me even though I told him so many times how much I liked it when he did (instead, he asked me to do it more, and I was repaid by him bringing OW into our home and him cooking a meal for her in my kitchen).

There are plenty of reasons to know there's something better. Unfortunately, the fact that H DID do the "right" things at one point in time is what keeps that hope alive. I mean, if he was that way once, surely he can return to that, right?

I was ready to go to have the paperwork submitted to be filed today. I opened up the calendar on my phone to see if he had added anything new to it, hoping that I WOULD find more to help solidify I am doing the right thing.

It backfired because instead I found that his grandfather passed away yesterday. I knew he had had a stroke from the ILs, but didn't know it ended that way.

In being a normal, empathetic human I don't want to add insult to injury in filing right after his grandfather died. On the other hand I know I can't continue to shield this man from his own form of "life" happening to him. I also feel like maybe if stuff "piles up" on him, it could catalyze him snapping out of his fog (that sounds terrible, but that's just the honest way I'm thinking right now). OR maybe it would just make him even more angry at me.

I hope that OW gets overwhelmed by H having to deal with this stuff and that he does to her what he did to me whenever he was upset, which is acting "off" but not speaking about anything. Or downplaying his feelings like it just is what it is and everything will be fine. It's so early in their R, at least in terms of them being together "full time", that I could see it putting a wedge between them. Or, maybe they are still so tolerant that it will be seen as a "bonding" experience. F that. What does her 22 YO self know.

So I guess I can proceed with filing now and just not tell him right away... or I can just wait to file until a few weeks from now to begin with, but then that will be the new year and I don't just want to be making excuses for myself. For the record, as I was getting ready this morning I did have a fleeting moment of clarity where I just sat there and said to myself, "Where is my dignity? Who am I if I just sit here and accept this situation?"

This is where I can totally justify why we ALL choose to "sit here", and that it does not at all mean we think it's okay or accept their actions, and thus I don't have to do anything to prove that. But I don't feel like I'm being very supportive of myself, and that's what got me to this point. I need to DO something that says "if this is what H is choosing to do, this is what I must do for myself" - unless he comes forward and does anything different.

It is not my fault that he has not taken me up on wanting to try to work on our M. It is not unreasonable for me to expect him to fight for me even if I've already filed, or even if we are D, if/when he snaps out of it. If he uses the fact that I have filed or D'ed him as a reason not to get back together, he probably doesn't want me back bad enough anyway, or at the least it will show he has not have worked through his own ego issues enough to put that to the side, or for the value he's placing on our relationship to be greater than those feelings.

And that's what I want in a partner. Someone who will care about my thoughts and feelings and want to understand them and work on them and admit to wrongdoing but be willing to make things better. Not run and hide and make excuses.