Dealing with a WW Pt3

[sandi2]

I just finished catching up on your sitch. So, let's talk about it. Early in your initial thread, you stated that you had two goals at the time. Here's your quote:

My two goals right now are.

Ensure that my children feel my love and care as much as possible while we are together 100% of the time.
Ensure that I am remaining healthy and happy about who I am.

I think these are good goals to hold your focus on what you can do......and you can do it with or without being M to your WW. Whether or not you are with them 100% of the time should not reflect or measure your love and care for the children or keeping yourself healthy and happy.

I needed to eat so I cooked myself something while WW kept trying to tell me she wasnt having an affair. WW admits she is in a relationship with another man but doesnt consider it an affair because she "left" me.

Let me get this straight. She is currently on OM#2?

Her "explanation" of not considering it an A b/c in her mind she had already left you...….is exactly how a WW thinks. She feeds herself her own b.s. It's how she justifies her choices and behavior.

IMHO, the WW should receive a consistent message from the H she has betrayed, and currently threatens to D. The message should be demonstrated in his actions. It should tell her where he stands with her disrespectful behavior.

Now, let's look at one of the several posts you make about her cooking:

I do like to eat at home and if she wants to cook I will eat honestly. I just said I'm home now. WW said you never answer your texts so theres no point in asking you if you're going to be home.

Yes it's a temp check. However I do like eating.

Is it ok if I tell WW that she can text if I'll be home after work to see if she has to cook?

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry over things the LBH asks about. For instance, you were being pretty plain spoken with her about not wanting to live with her...….but when she told you she had bought a ticket for a ski trip (I think it was), you weren't sure if you should accept or reject it.

Now keep that situation in mind while I comment on the previous post of whether or not you should tell her it would be okay to text you to see if you would be home after work.....so she would know if she needed to cook. First of all, this particular line of thinking seems in conflict with your other thoughts and efforts where you wanted her to stop bothering you with TM, and to just leave you alone. The part I find a little funny is how often you've spoken about her excellent cooking and how you miss it. Maybe your hunger is pressing you to make exceptions? It also leads me to wonder if her cooking is basically the only labor she contributes to running the home/family life. At any rate, you miss her home cooking, whether or not the kids miss it.

You may wonder where I am going with all of this. It's about consistency. Sure, sometimes there may be something you need to tweak...…...but the message of your actions should be consistent with what you are saying to her. Thus far, you have verbalized a great deal of your message, right? Are your actions matching your words? And are they consistent?

From what I've seen in LBH's, it's the little details that seem to throw them off track. My advice is to know the main message you wish to relay through your actions. You may need to sit and think about it for a bit. For the most part, I think you've handled yourself fairly well. I do want to caution you not to use the boards language as a way of reaching her......or trying to teach her.

So WW invites me to dinner with S11. I declined. So she is sitting upstairs and asks why I wont go to dinner with her that a bite to eat wont hurt. I just responded saying that I just dont want to hang out with her. Which is the truth. I really dont know what else to say without sounding rude. I have zero desire to do anything with someone that is actively betraying me and our family.

If your overall message is "I'm done" or "I'm dumping you b/c you betrayed me", then what actions relay that message? You declined the invitation......which was smart. You told her you didn't want to hang out with her......which was a little harsh for some, but it's certainly consistent with the action. Maybe we can think of some general responses that line up with your main message......and be able to keep it short and simple. I've noticed that some LBH's get very wordy in some of their responses to the WW. It comes off sounding like he's teaching a class!

You already suspect these moves by the WW as being temp checks or some other form of manipulation. Something else some WW's do is try to "normalize" their family activities, etc. She may be cake eating or whatever, but it's usually an act of manipulation. Some LBH's make the mistake of thinking she is "reaching out" or that "she's making baby steps". No, she's not doing either one. As long as there is any other guy in the picture (regardless of what she claims), and as long as she has shown no effort in making amends for her waywardness...…..then the LBH should not jump at her suggestion to eat out or have some other form of family activity together. Why? B/c she can't have the marriage and family.....and other "relationships" that exclude her H. She doesn't get to have the best of both worlds. She has to realize that she is losing something as a result of her bad decisions. As long as she gets to play house & family, she's not going to recognize much loss.

The WW needs to wonder if she's losing her H. That's why she snoops in your things and the bedroom, to see if there is any indication of some other woman. Currently, she doesn't want to be your wife.....but she doesn't want to be replaced, either. (Crazy, I know.) If she believes her H is dumping her, she'll try several things to temp check his emotional attachment to the MR. The H has to be strong enough to walk away from the temptation, if he's going to be consistent in his message/stance. When the little details in life confuse him, he needs to regroup and remember his overall message he's explaining through his actions. What message is his WW getting by watching his actions?

Does any of this make sense? If not, please tell me.