Whirlwind of Hurt 6

[Twofeet]

Swung by W house yesterday to drop off some things D8 had called me and said she needed. A very quick in and out. I hugged and kissed my 3 children, and answered some random question from my W. I said goodbye to everyone and left. My emotional pain and heartache has been pretty intense so I was glad that I had an IC appointment scheduled yesterday.

IC looked at my PA evidence and told me that what I have is not evidence a judge would rule as a PA (not going to take it to court anyway it's just going to stay as no fault). IC says all I have is evidence of sexting (I feel dumb). W is clearly in a EA with signs of it heading towards a PA or possibly already in a PA, but no proof. IC says I have the info I have, but I need to change my focus towards myself. We talk about what I am doing to heal. I ask how long will it take to heal because this intense pain is exhausting. In her experience she says if you do all the right things the recovery process is usually a year, the worst she has seen is 5 years. I ask about W moving into a new R this fast and IC says that she can't speak for W (W dropped IC), but she likely hasn't healed.

We talk about my boundaries when interacting with wife. I tell IC some of the things D8 tells me about (ex mommy forgot to make us dinner last night so we had to go find our own food). I tell IC it just feels like W is trying to exert control at some level on me. IC reminds me I am dealing with someone who has mentally and emotionally regressed to a teenager or whatever point in her life she feels she missed out. IC says I need to treat her as such. IC reminds me again that W doesn't want me as a H, but wants some of the benefits of me as a H ie. her control attempts, and that's why boundaries are so critical. Fortunately, I think I have been doing okay with my boundaries post S, because her reactions are usually anger or fits when she runs headfirst into my boundaries. I tell IC I wish W was still seeing her for therapy. IC says what is the point in that? She says you don't want someone in therapy if they don't want to be there, she says someday W will seek help again when she is ready. We then discuss some of my MR history and how and why we are were we are. I also discuss the challenging predicament of being a divorced Catholic and what that means. We also discussed the yet unknown opportunities I can pursue that may not have been available while M. She said some of her patients have had great career and life opportunities come about that didn't or wouldn't likely occur until after D.

Afterwards I felt better, like a lot had been lifted off my chest. I wanted to keep up that PMA and so I dusted off my old gear and went night skiing. First time in 6 to 8 years. I was exhausted afterwards and was glad to hit the bed. I was wracked with multiple dreams of my W. Unfortunately, I woke up with that dull ache in my heart this morning. I am going to find something to do today to keep the PMA going till I get the kids later today. Then we are going to do a lot of family GAL this weekend.