Divorce inevitable

[peacetoday]

I think the MLCer in the end sees the truth
at the end of the road or maybe in the middle of it all
they get glimpses of reality
If there comes a time that they would ask for help
many would feel safe coming to the LBS because they know somehow we were there by their side through the crises


I got a phone message maybe last year or a little longer cant remember exactly when

my XH said " He knows he messed up" and was reaching out to me to ask for few old friends in recovery to call him
I passed the message to friend who I had coincidently ran into a few weeks earlier-

[Hamburg]

I have no doubt she will one day ask for forgiveness. Even through the times earlier this year when she treated me like absolute garbage i was able to handle it with a positive attitude. I have only been 'mean' a handful of times.

She is now stuck on staging or buying things to fill the voids I left with furniture and insists I took too much. I nicely stated I would not pay for that and this is what divorce consists of. I also reminded her I left a very large home and cannot even fill a 2 bedroom apartment with the items I took.

I keep trying to look at MLC behavior objectively but it makes my brain hurt.

[peacetoday]

H

You are doing well
You cant do/give enough to fill her void
that is in her- she can start now to understand that D means she may have to work or earn an extra income to provide those extra things she may want- or go without
but since most MLCers are children themselves, I doubt she will take responsibility to create much


MY XH has not paid child support since he M ow In 2009-and went into a hiding mode with OW -moves states-to protect himself from it
Little did he know I would not have asked for a penny-I got everything I needed
God saw to that-he unfortunately for him got his OW and little else-

From there he only went down further because she was an extremely sick gal-and he got sicker

[Gordie]

H

Trying to look at MLC objectively will absolutely make your head hurt

You are trying to show her a glimpse of what divorce looks like

She will not like it one little bit

But remember to be the kind and loving man you want your children to remember

The consequences of divorce will be cruel in and of themselves

[Hamburg]

W spent thousands of dollars replenishing furniture in the house. Not from our bank acct so I assume used credit. Her parents came to visit from out of town and she told them of the new things just minutes after saying she's broke and I'm not giving her any money.

She gave them an ultimatum that they accept her new relationship as a package deal or they would not see the children. Then in the next breath said she was unsure the relationship would even work.

W had a blowout with her mom. I went home, picked up mother in law and brought her to my place to talk about things. I showed her financials that prove I'm not hoarding money and comforted her. Then I got her a hotel for the night. There is a family party tomorrow and now not sure if hapit's happening.

Her mom is at the end of her rope. She is worried about the kids. W continues to take them to drop off daycare several times per week. I assume it's to go see OM. It infuriates me because she's not reaching out to me to watch them--just dropping them off. She's not using bank acct to pay for that, so again I assume she's using credit to hide things from me.

She's lost a lot of weight and I hope there's no drugs involved.

My parents have reached out and offered MIL stay with then until trip concludes. We are all at wits' end.

[Gordie]

If you could and want to be with kids instead of daycare

I think that is what you are implying

Get that into a legal agreement or notice of some kind

Consult your lawyer on how to get that documented

These pre divorce habits

Sometimes are seen to be what is normal the longer they last

And then form the basis of the custody agreement

So important to protect your children and yourself

[DnJ]

Hamburg - Wow! No wonder W and her mom had a blow out, an ultimatum to accept me and my new relationship or never see the children again.

Remember the MLCer will speak in absolutes and usually in a negative or depressing way. I will never love you again, you will all be better off with out me around, and so on. Her threat is such.

It also shows the enormous energy she will expend to force her new life, her fantasy, upon others; as well as trying to keep it alive.

The confusion is peeking through as well. Her stating she doesn’t even know if her new R will last, being broke and purchasing new things. Money is a big area of confusion. Some will spend like crazy, it is not real, it is credit, and then the bills start showing up. My W’s confusion, well one little part, seemed to be with the value of money - she was as ecstatic as a young school girl when she got prepaid for shoveling snow for the winter. She was flashing her $100 cheque around and was so proud.

For what it is worth, our wives need to grow up. My W’s reaction to her $100 payday, and her subsequent snow shoveling and grass cutting jobs are pointing towards something buried in her past. I think similar is occurring for you W.

Your W is rebelling, lashing out, against her mom, she is growing up. There is a lot of anger within her, and it needs to find a release, it needs to get out. Of course the damage from these releases could be difficult to overcome for the parties involved.

In all this you need to see something - what is your’s to control?

How you respond (not react) and behave is well within your realm of influence. Picking up and helping her Mom, your MIL (for the time being) is very kind and well intentioned. It is very nice to see a compassionate response from you and your parents in all this.

If I may offer a caution, be careful with what you share with MIL. The financial information, or W’s extreme behaviours that only you know about, for example. In the end, she is their daughter, they love her, and blood is thicker than water. If their loyalties were ever tested, neutral is the best you could probably ever receive. They love her and will stand by her. That is not so hard to see, look at what we, the LBS, are doing.

Helping MIL, comforting, answering her questions (to some extent), is very admirable. Just realize that information said to MIL will probably get back to W. Not in a behind your back way, just that MIL wants her D to find peace, and she will not have all the first hand knowledge you do, or your understanding of MLC. She will try to find a way to fix her, to wake her up.

Again, sorry for the situation and the volatility of it. Control what you can.

Look into the daycare drop off vs contacting you (as Gordie suggested). Take care of children. Document. Need to probably see a L again. Comfort and help your MIL. Keep to the high road.

Just one last thought for this post. MLC is all about emotion. The MLCer is driven by it, and the other unwilling participants get embroiled in emotional reactions as well. You, kids, friends, parents, and in this particular case MIL. Her feelings, although passionate, are still fleeting. Once she calms down, she will change. We all do.

Things said or hear in the heat of the moment, are true at that moment, interpreted a certain way at that moment. Passion, anger, lust, envy, hatred, sorrow, joy - all give a different lens with which we view things.

When possible, let things cool down to talk to MIL, to explain if you want too. You are attempting to reach her intellectual side, you have to ensure it is not emotional highjacked.

I hope the family party goes smooth.

DnJ

[Hamburg]

Picked up the kids for dinner tonight. Youngest said if I don't see her more she's going to find a new daddy. Oldest continues to be fearful of bad guys breaking in and mommy told her that I took all the guns out of the house, so they cannot stop bad guys. She has been talking about bad guys since I moved out. This kills me.

I've been brought to tears for the first time in 3 months.

We had a good dinner though and talked through some things. They want a trip to the beach--something we had done as a family the past few years. It seems they want normalcy.

W starts her new job in the morning. I'm proud of her. I am being nice and brought her the Xmas gift I got her. I offered my support to her.

Court hearing in in 10 days. I am feeling guilt for what I am going to do but feel it is necessary.

[job]

Your wife is manipulating you through your children. She knows that the children will tell you things hoping to make you feel guilty. Your wife needs to stop this stuff. She's doing more harm than good by telling the kids stuff like this.

I know it's tough, but you need to sit down w/your children and reassure them each that everything will be okay and that they are not the reason for why things are the way that they are right now.

I'm glad you saw your children and had a good dinner. A trip to the beach would be nice and yes, the kids want normalcy. Try to do things w/them that you normally would do. You can invite the wife if you want and allow her to decide whether she will or will not attend or do things as a family.

I'm glad your wife got a job. She needs to see what the real world is all about.

I know you feel guilty about what you are going to do in 10 days, but some things are necessary to protect your kids and your assets. I hope things go well for you on that day.

Keep the focus on you and your children. That is all that matters right now.

[peacetoday]

H

I never for a second felt guilty for keeping my kids away from XH and OW

Had I not been vigilant in this area, my kids could be seriously damages-or different than they are now
right now at 17 and 23- they are humans but good people with goals and direction and self esteem
they voulunteer ect-

They never met OW and I am grateful that

Due to MLC, we do not have typical D or cases
ours are extreme as our spouses usually go crazy-
We haver to judge what is best for our kids

I would do whatever is in your power to keep the kids away from her new OM or lifestyle
unless you see her as moving in the right direction-with healthier people