Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

I was so miserable in the present, I feel like I actually started living in the future.

You know, I think you may have pointed out something I have been doing, too. For me, it was always things like, "When H can stop working so much we will go on vacation," or "When H's son is 18 we will be able to do X". But I don't know that any of that was ever going to happen or that H planned to make it happen. He worked his tail off and while most of the time it was towards a specific goal (our wedding, the house) we definitely had conversations about him taking even a little time off to relax together. But he loved to work and most importantly he always seemed to care more about what the people at his job would think if he asked for time off, vs. what I would think as his wife.

That really makes me sad because one of the early letters I found, and SO many conversations we had when we first met, were specifically around him not wanting to work so much so he could spend time with me. I feel like we were just now accomplishing some really amazing goals we had set over our 9 years together (having good income, our new home) and I will never understand why he wasn't happy with that or thought it was worth throwing all away.

The only plans I'm going to make are the ones that I can make happen without anyone else involved.

I don't like this either though Well, not so much the making of plans on my own... but as we've said before I really do want to share my life with someone. I am afraid of becoming too unavailable and not being able to really have a complementary relationship. I do want to be able to "co-create" a life with someone. I think I know what you mean broadly speaking in terms of not putting all the eggs in that one basket.

TJT...he is GONE. You are already living your life without him. Make it a GREAT one!!!

You are right, you are right, you are right. It is so hard. But you are right. He is gone. He chose not to try. He chose to go.

Every person on earth needs this lesson and it comes in different forms. This is ours.

This is like 50 lessons, including:
- "Betrayal: $h!t You Didn't Believe People Could Do"
- "Trust and Other Myths"
- "Self Esteem: How Low Can You Go?"
- "Mental Health: Try Not To Die"
- "Commitment: That Was Fast "
- "Love: It's NOT A FEELING"
- "Aliens Do Exist"
- "Infidelity: The Fastest Way To Redecorate Your Home!"
- "Olympic Lie Telling"

It's definitely weird to be afraid of oneself, but you're exactly right Yail...we can't keep trying to force ourselves to be the same person when internally our cells are spinning in chaos and rebuilding in a completely new way! It would be nice if this were more like the process a caterpillar goes through though, and I could just stay in a cocoon for a while until it's over.