It seems as if you and your WW are holding two opposite ends of a long rope, and there is this endless game of tug of war, however no one is winning and yet no one will drop the rope, and so it goes, on and on. I have seen you guys take turns pulling each other in, loosening the grip, and then you get tired of the game for a bit, and think about letting go, she senses it, and then she pulls you in even closer! But somehow, you are the one working, much harder than her, and your grip is weakening over time, because the game keeps starting over with no break in between. Why do you think that could be? What do you think is different this time?
Have you read all the most recent threads by Joe2017?
I hope you will read all of it if you haven't yet, and if you have, perhaps read it again. He dropped the rope and let her go. He disengaged from it all and took the time to really heal and grow on his own. She learned over that time that her life wasn't better without him, and she also learned in that time that he no longer needed her. She grew to respect him after he dropped the rope and so she was forced to look at her own decisions. Even after D and many months she came back. And she came back a changed woman. The way he describes her is very different than the way you are describing your WW -- a couple days of tears and pleading, which I recall she has done more than once now. Also note that he is not the one giving her a list of conditions, but it is her that is doing the real work now. She is doing the work because she is truly remorseful now and can only hope he will give her a solid chance, and she even admits she thinks he may not be able to forgive her and make it work. Overall, she reads very, very different from your WW.
I am not suggesting that you have to go through D and a long separation for reconciliation to be successful. But I do think the WW has to be ready to work hard in order to start piecing, and you haven't explained yet how she is there (other than crying and agreeing to your list of conditions). In my sitch, my H also had to go off for a long while (10 months) and face his reality without me. In that time I had to drop the rope because, well, he didn't give me much choice in the matter. So I learned to let go. When he approached me, he read much like Joe2017 WW: he was remorseful, humble, and wanted nothing more than to proove his worthiness, while also admitting he knew it may never work and I may never forgive him. He freely offered up his own list of conditions. Then he stuck to them for weeks, months and years, with actions.
I still, after all that, think I took him back too easily and too quickly. These last 3.5 years of piecing have been so hard and so bumpy, and I think it was made harder because I didn't take enough of my own time. For me. I hope you will take more time. Time is always on our side. And I mean a long, long time. You don't want to jump back in just to end up back here in a couple years. I still think you both have a lot of growing up to do.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
