Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[SoTorn]

Day 151,

Well, I made it through the holiday. I have a few more painful dates coming up, but none of them should be as bad as Christmas.

I was able to GAL on Christmas day. So much that it took the entire part of the evening. And in that time I got 12 phone calls, 7 text messages (2 from D4, which is funny because she thought that I was being passive-aggressive to WW and not talking to her so she used D4 to see if I would respond.) I also got a text from her best friend about meeting her to pick up our gifts. I have not heard from her friend in months and she texts me all of a sudden? Obviously I was busy with my life as WW was busy with hers. I finally caller her and told her that I am ok. I get the "why did you not respond to me?" Told her that the place I went to did not allow cell phones and my phone was silenced. Does she believe me? Does it matter?

She went NC all day yesterday. As soon as I came home, she closed her bedroom door. End night.

Today is more NC except a list of clothes to pack for D4 since they will both be out next week. No response from me. No response necessary.

My moods go up and down still. Some days I'm pumped to be making so much progress and how I am starting to be thankful that this happened. The other part is the betrayal and her continuing to lie. This is not the woman I fell in love with and married. Sadly, I don't think this is going to change anytime soon. But I do continue to change myself. I have to. I need to.

And I look ahead to 2019 and all I want, no NEED, for this continuing nightmare to end. For as much improvement and process as I am making, it still hurts. Each step, each day, each thought hurts.

I saw someone posting about the DBing timeline and progress. They responded to someone who said they have been DBing for 11 months and that it is still near the damn beginning. Wow. So I'm still in the infancy of this thing, aren't I?

But on the plus side, 5 more days until this year is history. I'm hoping 2019 treats me better than 2018 did. I can't/don't want to have this continue. I want some kind of happy ending to this. I don't know what form it will take. One road is "easier" and gives me a better chance of happiness (option to D) or I continue with using this time of limbo and hope for the other option while continuing to improve myself.

Its a hard decision for us to initiate D or leave man. I am in the same spot. I have been handling this since August. Really trying to DB since end of September, finally doing hard DB now. But I am feeling the same "how long do I want to deal with this if she doesnt leave or file for D?" Should I just live in limbo land in my MBR at my house forever and ever while she continues A and hope it fizzles or should I just drop the hammer and move on and enjoy being single?

I am honestly enjoying GAL a lot. The part I miss is female attention and honestly the attention I have been getting from the opposite sex has ramped up significantly in the last couple of weeks.