Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Yes thanks DV. I know everything is relative it's just so hard and stupid for someone to ruin our LIFE "plans". I know life isn't to be planned to begin with but out of all the things that people have a choice in, vs. the things that truly are beyond our control (illness, etc.), I totally feel choices like this that affect others they way they do should be downright illegal!

I also know I can't keep living in a "what-if" world or justifying H's actions due to MLC, psychological issues, etc. I am glad that you are taking steps to protect yourself too. We don't have legal separation in my state so I'm not totally familiar with that.

Your last sentence has made me tear up. I am thankful for the encouragement, I know you are right and I know myself that I deserve better. I am so mad that my H didn't live up to his promises and I really hope that I can trust myself more in the future to find a partner that will not put me through this again.

I watched a YouTube video last night with a lady who talked through her experience of being left for another woman that had a lot of similarities to mine, particularly how her H didn't seem to ask for any forgiveness after being caught or do any of the "normal" things we expected. They tried a brief separation (like, a few days) to allow them both time to think about what they wanted, and she found out even then that her H just spent the time with OW. She realized he made his choice and they ended up D (I don't know who filed in her case).

She seemed fairly young and said that it was about 9 years ago now, and she is now remarried with two kids (she says she met her new H a mere 3 months after separating from her XH!!) She also confessed that she doesn't trust anyone anymore, that even with her current H she only trusts him 95% because you can never really know for sure.

I am going to have to do a lot of work to get over my disdain that the person I will be from now on in any relationship is going to be a different person that I never expected I'd have to be. I need to find the good in that instead of thinking that I will just be "damaged". I need to find a way to be okay with this being a part of my life story, and to that end I need to be patient because I know it may take a while for all of this to form into a cohesive plot that makes sense to me.

Basically I feel like I'm 12 again sitting in my room and feeling "held back" because I was not yet an independent adult who could live my own life. I ALWAYS looked forward to being a little older, out of college and married with my own money and family. I've never been one of those people that longs for being a kid again. I would frequently think to myself when out in public with H how happy I was that we were a unit together in life. Then poof...all gone.

It seems like the equivalent of going to college for many years, studying and sacrificing endlessly toward a degree, then being told at the end of it "just kidding! You didn't actually earn anything, and by the way all the stuff you thought you learned is now outdated so you have to start over." Or reaching like a 10-year career milestone only to be told that you're going to have to take an entry-level job again.

Anyway..most of this was just more rambling. I appreciate your insight and helping me build my confidence.