Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Hey everyone.

So as I mentioned, I started the process of filing. Really what that amounts to is I went online to find a service that would help do the paperwork and ensure the right process is being followed.

They've drafted the petition and just need my approval to get it filed. Before I really pull the trigger on this, I wanted to write out my "reasons to file" and "reasons not to file" and get your opinions...

After writing these out, I have many more reasons TO file and my reasons NOT to file seem kind of lame...although I also realize that some of my reasons TO file are rooted in fear and may not actually occur. It would just be terrible if they did and I haven't done what I need to do to protect myself.

If I think of any others I will add to the list but right now I just wanted to get these out.
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Reasons TO File:

- I will be able to get the house title transfer from H so that he no longer has rights to the house. He is moved out, but still on the title, so he would have rights to it even though I am the only one paying on the mortgage.

- I will be able to remove H and his son from my health insurance. H is giving me money each month for this but A) it's obviously not guaranteed that will always be the case, and B) even though he's helping pay the premium, if something serious were to happen to one of them medically, I could still be liable for half of it legally speaking.

ALSO, I feel like this could be a form of cake-eating, since H doesn't have employer-provided insurance so it seems that it may cost more for him to have to get insurance himself once he's dropped from mine. I don't know if this would really be a significant reason for him not to file, but it was just a thought I had.

- I will be able to remove H from the car insurance. Similar comment as above regarding the fact that he is sending me money for this, but I am also still legally tied to him here. Some of you may challenge this one, but I've looked into it multiple times and I am told each time that I can't remove him without a decree. Must have to do with community property laws.

- If I file before end of year, and we go through with D, it will be with this year's salary vs. next year's, which (fingers crossed) shouldn't matter, but IF things were to take a bad turn, and if I were to get a significant raise or new job in 2019, at least they would be taking 2018 numbers into account. I hope this would be a non-issue either way, but thinking ahead it just seems smarter.

- If he is racking up credit card debt or some other debt I don't know about, I could also still be legally liable for it.

- Optics: I may feel better if I'm the one who initiates vs. him. It debunks the narrative he *could* be creating (although I have no proof of it) that I am the wrong-doer. It may put some doubt into OW's mind about what's *really* going on here and how my H contributed... and may also put some doubt into H's mind about losing me if he sees I'm taking action. Granted, people will make up whatever they want to make themselves feel better, so this probably isn't a reliable logic.

- Similar to above point: right now, H is embarrassing me and making me look like a doormat. As much as I want to be committed to him, it is wearing on me and I do feel it is affecting my self esteem to be sitting here waiting for a man who clearly does not give a crap about me right now. To try to explain to people that he may just be "going through something" and that's why I'm willing to wait just makes me feel stupid, even if I believe it. And then there's the fact that he may never snap out of it in which case I will look extra stupid for all the time I wasted. I know it's MY marriage and I shouldn't care what people think of it, but I don't want this to prevent me from moving on.
--> Of all the things I could use additional perspectives on, I think this is the biggest one. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you deal with it? Did you reach a limit like I seem to be? It's hard to do what I feel could be valuable for my M while also doing what I feel is valuable for my mental health...

- It's just a piece of paper and legal agreement and doesn't mean we can't still have a relationship one day

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Reasons NOT to file:

- I don't want it to seem to H that I'm not willing to consider working on the M anymore. And since it's against the DB rules for me to tell him I would be, I just have to trust that he knows. On one hand I think he does, on the other hand I don't know WTH he's thinking, ever, apparently.

- "Freeing" him of the house liability will make it easier for him to go out on his own to get other loans, and I feel like this should be something HE takes care of rather than me doing the work for him. Maybe not a good reason... but just saying. I don't want to continue enabling his avoidance of real life.

- By NOT "freeing" him of the expectation that he will need to hand over his cut of the insurance each month, I feel like that will help maintain some kind of tie to him. I realize this may not be a reasonable approach, kind of like when people try to use kids to stay together except I'm using the insurance, haha... but I like the idea of OW potentially getting uncomfortable with the fact that he still has this interaction with me on some level, or for her to start questioning why he just hasn't filed himself (again it's more of that accountability piece for him) - Vs. if we are D we will have no reason whatsoever to interact anymore.

- I'm afraid that the formality of D will be "a point of no return" in H's eyes. Obviously it doesn't matter to him in terms of how he behaves, but I wonder if not being legally D still means something to him, or gives him a mental "out" if things don't work out with OW, and I don't want to remove that if that's the case. I argue with myself that if that if he would want me back but hesitate to act on it because we already D'ed, it will prove he has not done the work to overcome various issues he needs to address (ego, shame, etc.), but I struggle with this because I feel an obligation as his wife and someone who loves him to be there for him. I am having a hard time separating how much of that is my obligation to show him and how much of that is his obligation to see on his own.

- Once I file, that record will be there, even if I dismiss it later. I don't know, that just seems scary to me. I can always file later, it may just have different implications based on the situation at the time.

- I will have to pay the filing fee (~$325)