Three days since my last entry and again it seems like a lifetime. Two steps forward, one step back.
H came around Christmas eve and spent the night (in the spare room). A few strange moments where it seemed, despite the awkwardness, like he had never left and we were still a family. These occur mostly when we are with the children, or talking about the children, or doing something for the children. A few moments which reminded me how controlling he can be: we got D12 hover skates and he had asked me when they arrived a few weeks ago to make sure they were working and re-charged. I forgot. He went into his normal passive aggressive stance, "well they better be ok because its too late to send them back now", "it's a good thing they CAME fully charged otherwise we wouldn't have time to wrap them". Only one moment where the hairs stood up on the back of my neck - when he suddenly had to take the dog for a walk (which I assume he had to make a call). I don't' know if he is seeing anyone - I think he is just really really private. Also, and this is weird, I was wrapping presents in my room and he was downstairs with the girls. I kept the door shut but he still kept coming in without knocking. In the morning, I was downstairs making breakfast, and had to go upstairs to get something and he was having a shower in my ensuite. It just didn't feel right. I wouldn't just go into someone's room or have a shower in their shower.
Christmas day came and it was good. We got up early to open presents with the girls (he had put fake footprints next to the fire place and arranged all their presents) and then we had breakfast. After breakfast I started preparing food (his entire family were coming over). Once everyone arrived, it was just like it use to be, except we weren't together. Everyone stayed until about 2 in the morning. We watched movies and played board games and generally had a lovely day. There was a sadness to it though - if we can't sort things out then this is our last Christmas as a family. I can't imagine I will entertain his family again. The jumper I bought him was too big and he managed to get in a "I think you gave me someone else's present" (like I said, passive aggressive).
He stayed over again that night as it is his birthday boxing day and I said it would be nice for him to wake up with the girls. He had to go at 10 as he was working that day so wouldn't have seen them for very long if he had to go back to the flat and then come back in the morning. I gave him a hug when he came down and wished him a happy birthday then stupidly and quickly said "ILU". I don't know why. It was all a bit too much for me. When he left I walked him to the door and asked him for a hug. The weight of it being our last Christmas together as a family was too much for me. He held me for a bit and then said he felt the same. I've been holding it together for so long and, I don't know, in a moment of weakness, I started crying and said to him how could he do this to us and, this is our family and it all seemed so unnecessary. He started to get tears in his eyes and said he had to go.
He sent me a text later saying thank you for his present, that he loved it and that I should not have spent so much money. I replied that it was OK, I wanted to get him something I knew he'd like and then put a smiley face emoji (to make it seem a bit more casual). I have not spoken to him since.
Boxing day lunch with his family but without him and then home again.
