Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Hi Adam, I have a quick question about this quote:

I said yeah, by summer? Yall can go. She said yall? Why not we? She asked what would he think if I wasn't there. I asked her how would that look if we went on a cruise and where would I be, in a different room? I said we are separating in 5 more months and I am more concerned about how he will feel once we separate and I'm not living with them. That's when I told her that I would want 50% custody and maybe we need to start thinking about legal advice on how to split things for the separation.

Why did you bring this up? Are you dead set on separating? You are coming off as bitter. Why even bring up the part about staying in different rooms? Why not say "yea that would be fun" and move on if you don't want to talk about it?

Hey ovrrnbw,

Thanks for showing some support.

1 reason why I brought it up is because I do not initiate conversations with W, but I do have things I need to talk to her about like the details of the separation as it relates to the kids. Basically felt like this was an opportunity for that. When she mentioned the trip, I knew it would be after our separation, end of May, and I couldn't pretend we were going to be okay. I am worried about the kids and I do feel like at some point we will need to have that sit down with them prior to the separation. Part of the issue right now, as of late, is that W wants to pretend our sitch is okay and we can still be one big, happy family. She'll take holiday pics of her and the boys and post them up, and I refuse to check FB on them, but I had a brother today ask me about us since he saw the pics were only of her and the boys. Then she wants for us to go out together as a family? NO. She wants to tell my S6 that daddy doesn't want to kiss her? Or she'll have my older son ask if we are going out to eat together when I told her prior the reason why I am not going. So she knows why but still wants our son to ask me. How devious is that? Sandi mentioned everything is through the lens of respect. So I brought the convo up and said yall go ahead because I wanted her to know I'm not playing along. She can't get me to pretend for her.

I saw it as disrespectful, and sorta temp checking to see how I felt about us being together for the kids. Maybe I am overreacting and putting too much behind it.

It's not like I don't want to talk about it, I feel like I will need to, but again I don't initiate unless its important or she brings it up. Like when she told my S10 to ask me if he could stay home alone.. I thought she was out of her damn mind. Told both of them NO. If my son had shown he was mature and responsible, that's different but he isn't, not to stay home all day by himself.


Yes, pretty much dead set on the separation. I feel like I can't be 100% passive in what is leading up to the split. It's inevitable. Sandi mentioned the split can't appear as a separation where I'm still wanting to work it out. It needs to be a statement from what I got from it. There's some underlying thoughts on that too. I have been unhappy, W and I both. We have stated we wanted D before but quickly retracted. I want to separate to see how I truly feel as well.

Also the way I feel is 100% positive that W will not show any remorse. Most likely she will try to be deceitful if she needs me to help her with the kids at her new place. Quick recap, she told me I should find an apt when her sister was going to move in with her. A SIL got pregnant so is due in June. The sister who was going to move in currently lives with the SIL and told W she will stay there to help with the new baby. Once W found out, she said I could stay at the house and she didn't want to D. Can't trust nothing and she's highly manipulative.

After thinking about it, I think I'm okay with being a little bitter. Doesn't change anything about us needing to come together and discuss the arrangements down the road.

IMO 5 months will fly by and the talk with the kids, fixing up the place, and looking for the new apartment have been on the back of my mind. Thinking about the day to day preparations is overwhelming compared to the emotional stuff, I can sometimes put off on feelings.

If I read correctly, you are DB'ing in hopes of recon. So my advice would be to not bring up divorce or separation unless you are wanting to talk about that with her.

I think she is probably very confused right now in what you are thinking and also with herself too..

I started off here in hopes to find something that could help me fix my sitch. Quickly realized there is no magic bullet but rather than leaving to go elsewhere to find help with what I need to do with my kids and how to handle their emotions, I stuck it out here to learn to better myself.

Currently, I don't think it's accurate to say I want to recon therefore I am DB. I want to DB so that I can be a better person if I recon or D. You ask me right now if I think we will D and I am 90% sure.

She said she had needed this time to figure out her feelings and that she was still angry.

I want to believe her here. If she was deadset on divorce, she'd have done it by now.

Yeah, but being here, we're alrdy D.

She asked me if I had a girlfriend and if this was why I had this change. I told her no, I don't need to be in another relationship or see someone else to feel this way. I also said something, taking a cheapshot, about I'm not weak to look outside our marriage.

Why not just answer her question and say "No"? Everything else was just passive aggressive garbage. You wouldn't like someone talking to you like that. Do a 180 there. Catch yourself when you get agitated and nip it in the bud.

That whole convo about the cruise was unnecessary. The good thing is you have plenty of time to turn this around. But you need to purge some of those bad feelings before interacting with her.

Merry Christmas.

on the passive aggressive, I know.. I knew better.

That's the reason why I'm sticking around, hoping to DB and change to be a better person overall.