Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

He could have just as easily said NO I don't want a divorce!!!! You did not MAKE him say he wants a D. He was already wanting it.

You have a point there. Somehow I convince myself that even if he was thinking it, maybe if I hadn't pulled it out of him the result would be different. But he was definitely acting worse and worse and that's all that really matters.

Your flaws? Who cares, unless you're talking about being some kind of felon. Love is supposed to fill in the gaps and help you both overcome them, just like your love for your H fills in the gaps that he has. And being a stale boring wife in the bedroom? Really? If he never told you he wanted more, that's on him.

Definitely not a felon! Thanks for this. I catch myself wondering what's so bad about me that he couldn't accept my flaws when I accepted all of his, but I need to remind myself over and over that this really wasn't about that to begin with. It's just hard not to think about falling short when you find a lingerie credit card and she's so much younger. She is also similar in appearance to me. There is a clear physical element of his A, and I would almost guess that's the main element (although I guess at this point we can argue that intellectually, maybe he's really on OW's level and identifies more with her in that regard, too).

This is highlighted by the fact that he had been dealing with a bit of ED issues on and off for ~the last year. So I also wonder how much of that was getting to him. I know he started pills right after he moved out (he had gone to the doc right before, but before he changed his address I got a pack of them in the mail. Talk about salt in the wound). So I'm also curious about whether OW knows about any of that. I can't imagine a younger girl being able to/wanting to deal with that readily. But part of me thinks maybe that's a factor in this behavior too.

Look, you're past the point of returning to what you had. Things will never be the same. You are not going to get that back. I am still dealing with my betrayal issues to this day, and they are a hard thing to handle while trying to recon with XW. It is crappy, but your M will not just go back to the way it was. One day, you will look back and realize that it wasn't what it COULD have been, anyways.

Yeah, I know. And I think I'd be willing to accept the challenges, AS LONG as H was doing all the things (therapy, letting me go through whatever process I need, etc.) - my logic being that everyone is going to have "something" to overcome and at this rate, I'm going to have trust issues no matter who I'm with because I'm so scarred by this. I know anticipated trust issues and trust issues based on real events are two different things, so like you said, maybe if I had the chance I wouldn't actually want to do this with him again. But of course I want that choice!

That thing about love being a choice, I said it over and over to my H, well BEFORE any of this happened but I think right as I suspect his A started, looking back on it. I wrote a quote on his bathroom mirror about how I will always choose him, over and over. I noticed it was erased after I came back from a business trip once, hence me putting the dots together given that the exact same thing happened during the time that I eventually discovered she had been in our new home. I even asked him what happened to the notes. He just said he doesn't like to keep them there "forever" (forever apparently being a few days). I knew $h!t was suspect but I never had proof until I had proof. Then that spirals into other things that totally blow my mind when I realize what he was doing, like when he would ask me to help shave his back. Now I know it was probably for OW...but how F'ed up is it that he had his WIFE do it for him?!

If you choose to file, remember that it's just a legal procedure with documents that say you are not bound to him anymore.

Totally trying to think of it this way, because as much as I hate the emotional aspect/symbolic significance of it, it's just the best thing for me legally. With a new year coming up and the potential for me to get a raise or new job, I don't want to put myself in an even worse position IF things were to change. I can at least file and I think I even have 60 days from that point to notify him, so I could just "hold onto it" for a while before continuing the process I guess. I just want to avoid my H never coming back AND me getting screwed financially.

You are a YOUNG woman. You have a ton of time to figure out life. There are many many many men out there who are everything you'd want, including faithful.

I really appreciate this Joe. Your posts have been very helpful for me today, seriously. I will say I hate hearing that because it's hard for me to feel this way or believe at this moment, and I feel so much of the meaningful, normative parts of my life that I worked so hard through have been with H and I can't get that back with anyone else, but all I can do is trust that it's the truth! But in particular, I would definitely be happy at least finding someone I am compatible and happy with and yes, who will be just as loyal and committed to me. So many people talk about how cheating is so common that I don't know what I would do if something even half this bad happened to me again.

It's been rainy all day but I've kept myself busy cleaning the house, making lists of errands I need to do tomorrow and preparing for my friend's visit, etc. With the added help of your posts, I feel like I've had a decent day. I even took out a little kitchen white board I want to hang somewhere and erased the love note on it he had written to me once. Yesterday I found a looong letter he had written very, very early in our relationship, talking about how he hadn't been in love with anyone else like he is with me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I didn't handle that one as well; it makes all of this that much harder to believe!