Happy holidays everyone! I hope you all had the best Christmas possible!
Before getting to my Christmas journalling I have to say thank you to DNJ for the advice above. I have been chewing on it for a bit. The holidays are a time for self reflection and getting back to the basics of whats important and this year seems doubly so for me. Just trying to make the best decisions possible and gain some peace and happiness where I can.
I was worried about Christmas and how it was going to go. Last year I was an emotional mess...to the degree that I can't really even remember the day and how it went. This year W is living on her own and this week is my week with the kids. Every year Ws Mom, step dad, and brother come in from California and stay with us over the holiday week. This year, however, they will be staying with her instead. I guess that worked out ok since the kids were with me so their beds at Ws house were open for visitors. Of course that also means that W got to entertain her family (who love me, btw) without me OR her kids being there.
So, this past Sunday (day before Christmas eve) W had a dinner in the afternoon because her mom had just got to town and her cousin was coming over to visit. She invited me (asked if I wanted to come and bring the kids when normally asks if the kids can come when making plans) so I took the kids over there. I did not think much of it as I haven't been feeling anything towards W lately. I was wrong. It felt really awkward. Nothing to do with the family, they were all happy to see us and the dinner went well. I just hadn't spent more than 5 minutes in her house, and here I was hanging out with all the family and spending hours there. Eating off of some of my old dishes, sitting at my old table, visiting with my old family. It was emotionally very difficult. I felt like the elephant in the room...but not because of how anyone acted towards me.
The next day was Christmas Eve. I worked a few hours in the morning, but then went home to the kids. W was having a Christmas Eve dinner with her family so I took the kids back over there. This time it was much easier. I just hung out and visited with the family and it was nice. Leaving was hard because I was leaving on Christmas Eve to go home with just me and the kids to open 1 gift and wrap the rest...by myself this year. I agreed to have Christmas morning with W since I'd be spending the rest of the day with my family.
I stayed up till 2:30am wrapping all the presents. Then, I got up at 6:30 with daughter and the festivities began. It was hard waking up and doing stockings/presents without W. The kids LOVED all their gifts. They told me that if they got nothing else, they were happy with all that they got from me and I had hit everything on Ds list. I took some cute pics of the kids opening presents and texted them to W. She was very receptive and responsive to the texts...which is something kind of new since all this began a couple years ago.
After opening gifts, we packed up and went to BILs house (Ws brother). They had a full house and it was a great time. There were several points over the course of the morning that things seemed so "normal" that I forgot about our situation for a minute. Spending time visiting with her family and chatting about normal stuff. When it came time for present opening, W had filled a stocking for me. Had all the normal stuff she has always put in there. Fancy soaps and candy. She even put underwear in there. It seemed kind of weird that she bought me underwear given the circumstances...even if it was just a stocking stuffer. Then, she had bought me a gift as well. I also noticed that on at least several of the gifts she got for her family she signed it from all of us. Her name, my name, and the kids names. That seemed strange to me, again...given the circumstances.
Leaving was hard. Things seemed so normal for a bit...but then I had to leave and take the kids to my familys house...without her. The rest of the day was fun and relaxing as I hung out with my family.
So, these last few days have really made my head spin a bit. I have not spent any substantial amount of time around W at all lately and I had really begun to feel indifferent towards her. I kind of felt like I was on the verge of being free from her emotionally. I now realize that it was probably the distance between us that was allowing me to break free from the emotional bondage I was experiencing. After spending more time with/around W these last few days, I realize that I do still have feelings. And, being around her I noticed a slight change in her from the last time I noticed how she was doing (haven't been watching her and trying to figure out her stage in a while). She invited me over and not just the kids. She was responsive to a back and forth of text. She bought me a gift and signed other gifts from us.
So, none of that is to say that I have any expectations of W. I do not have any renewed hope towards reconciliation nor will I be doing anything different other than just living my life. It was surprising, though. Makes me wonder if W is actually still in there somewhere poking her head out of the tunnel a little to look around. I know holidays are a more emotional time and brings out the feelers for everyone. Once we are fully back in to every day mode I am sure W will return to her regular MLC confusion.
Now, a few days till my birthday and it will technically be Ws day with the kids. Wonder how that will play out. So many days to not quite look forward to this month. Looking forward to 2019!!
