Hi gang!! I know I don't get over to these parts much, but part of this conversation really hit home with me.

And I KNOW it's his depression, and he doesn't have control over it, and I AM sympathetic - but DANG am I tired of being the one who has it together all the time!!!!! When do I get to have MY breakdown, I wonder???

I know EXACTLY what you mean about having "your breakdown", and having to be the one that has it "all together" all the time. I've gotten trapped in this, too.

So, let me ask you this. Why CAN'T you have a breakdown? Even a little one, or a couple of little one's, even if they are an "act-as-if"? How much time do we spend "taking care" of everyone else, without letting THEM "take care of us"?

I had a talk with an expert DB coach, who really slapped me in the face with this. I was being so "together", and so "responsible" for so many things in my household because of my wife's depression, that she had nothing left to do. I took care of everything that needed to be taken care of, and wasn't "expecting" anything in return (even though deep down inside I was!) I was burning myself out, and in essence, I was "taking her job away from her". That was a BIG 2x4 to my head. I wasn't "allowing" my wife to be responsible for holding up her end of our relationship, or her life.

What I "thought" I was doing to "help" her was actually drawing her deeper into her pit. Along with me. Her feelings of self-worth was spiraling down, while my feelings of frustration were climbing.

"What's been working" in my situation has been "dropping the rope" a bit more, and doing a lot of "acting-as-if" I was feeling down, needing her help with non-OR things, etc. Even if it was stuff I had to fake. Since I've been doing this, things have turned around a bit. My wife has been feeling a little better, stepping up to the plate a little more on dealing with things, and my resentment level has dropped significantly! Not to say that some of what I did wasn't met with resisitance, and hearing the words that I was "being mean", but she soon got over it. It was worth it in helping things to move in a different direction.

This transition has been tough for me, because of all the I've been doing for so long, it almost feels like I've been "slacking off" lately. But, hey, it sometimes feels good, and it's been producing some positive results for me, and for us!

I don't know how much this can apply to other's situations, but hopefully you'll be able to glean something out of it!

JJ

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