ARGHHH!!!! Just had a little tiff with my H, over something silly. I know what the problem is - he's sinking back into his depression - I told him a couple of weeks ago that I thought he needed to try upping his antidepressant dose. He's on a tiny dose (half of a normal starting dose) so he has plenty of room to increase it, but he hasn't done anything about it. Frankly, with dealing with my D's eating disorder, it's hard to pay complete attention to my H's depression at the same time. But he's been getting more irritable, fussing more about work, and starting to push everyone around him into projects that really aren't urgent, just so he can feel better. And I KNOW it's his depression, and he doesn't have control over it, and I AM sympathetic - but DANG am I tired of being the one who has it together all the time!!!!! When do I get to have MY breakdown, I wonder???
Sorry to hear about the tiff. I know what you mean about doing all the 'work' around the place, it is exhausting.
Is he actually resisting the idea of upping the dose, or is he too busy or lazy, or whatever, to do so?
Does one ever get off ADs?
You might point out to him that with a minor in the family needing lots of help and attention with her current problem, it is really important for both of you to be fully functioning and on the ball in order to help her.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: but DANG am I tired of being the one who has it together all the time!!!!! When do I get to have MY breakdown, I wonder???
Can I vent right along with you?! Thang is if I'd ever hint at that, she would bolt. She can't deal with anyone else's show of weakness at all. On occasion, D10 will experience a panic attack. She recognizes what it is and just wants some company to help get her thru it. All that is usually needed in a little back rub or an embrace. If she approaches her Mom, CAW will physically cower in the fetal position and usually sets off a panic attack of her own.
It sure is tough to avoid those silly tiffs. I've had to learn to let so much go, otherwise it such a waste of energy. Have you had much luck with H heeding your advise about his depression? Many of my suggestion end up falling on "deaf ears", but I don't know of any other way to help CAW see the alternatives.
I guess I just wanted to let you know your sentiments are shared about dealing with a depressed spouse.
Ellie I pray that your family will overcome these tribulations and regain the contentment they and you ought to have.
Hi gang!! I know I don't get over to these parts much, but part of this conversation really hit home with me.
And I KNOW it's his depression, and he doesn't have control over it, and I AM sympathetic - but DANG am I tired of being the one who has it together all the time!!!!! When do I get to have MY breakdown, I wonder???
I know EXACTLY what you mean about having "your breakdown", and having to be the one that has it "all together" all the time. I've gotten trapped in this, too.
So, let me ask you this. Why CAN'T you have a breakdown? Even a little one, or a couple of little one's, even if they are an "act-as-if"? How much time do we spend "taking care" of everyone else, without letting THEM "take care of us"?
I had a talk with an expert DB coach, who really slapped me in the face with this. I was being so "together", and so "responsible" for so many things in my household because of my wife's depression, that she had nothing left to do. I took care of everything that needed to be taken care of, and wasn't "expecting" anything in return (even though deep down inside I was!) I was burning myself out, and in essence, I was "taking her job away from her". That was a BIG 2x4 to my head. I wasn't "allowing" my wife to be responsible for holding up her end of our relationship, or her life.
What I "thought" I was doing to "help" her was actually drawing her deeper into her pit. Along with me. Her feelings of self-worth was spiraling down, while my feelings of frustration were climbing.
"What's been working" in my situation has been "dropping the rope" a bit more, and doing a lot of "acting-as-if" I was feeling down, needing her help with non-OR things, etc. Even if it was stuff I had to fake. Since I've been doing this, things have turned around a bit. My wife has been feeling a little better, stepping up to the plate a little more on dealing with things, and my resentment level has dropped significantly! Not to say that some of what I did wasn't met with resisitance, and hearing the words that I was "being mean", but she soon got over it. It was worth it in helping things to move in a different direction.
This transition has been tough for me, because of all the I've been doing for so long, it almost feels like I've been "slacking off" lately. But, hey, it sometimes feels good, and it's been producing some positive results for me, and for us!
I don't know how much this can apply to other's situations, but hopefully you'll be able to glean something out of it!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks all. JJ, it's not really as though I'm doing H's things for him - it's just more the knowledge that I'm the rock here, and he's the fragile one. And I think it just really freaked me out seeing that glimpse of that angry old guy he used to be. I'm afraid I wouldn't be as tolerant a second time around, even though I now know the source of that behavior is his depression - I'm just SO unwilling to go back to that place!
He's been sweet as pie to me all the rest of the week, though, so something I said must have sunk in.
Meanwhile, D is continuing with those baby steps. She's gone surfing with my H several times in the past 2 weeks - that's a big step, because for a long time her delusional self-image kept her from surfing because she thought she "looked fat". She's been going to two classes a day and tomorrow starts 4 classes a day - with mom in tow, but she seems to be okay with that. Only a month left of school. I think her new, higher dose of Prozac is really starting to kick in (bulimia and OCD require much higher doses than depression,and it takes a while to work up to those higher doses).
PPY BIRTHDAY! 
Thang is if I'd ever hint at that, she would bolt. She can't deal with anyone else's show of weakness at all. On occasion, D10 will experience a panic attack. She recognizes what it is and just wants some company to help get her thru it. All that is usually needed in a little back rub or an embrace. If she approaches her Mom, CAW will physically cower in the fetal position and usually sets off a panic attack of her own. 
Why CAN'T you have a breakdown? Even a little one, or a couple of little one's, even if they are an "act-as-if"? How much time do we spend "taking care" of everyone else, without letting THEM "take care of us"?