Whirlwind of Hurt 6

[Twofeet]

Well I am pretty heartbroken....again. It is like the rug keeps getting pulled out from underneath me. Like LH says it's going to keep getting worse. Which it is. The load on my back is heavy and the weight just keeps getting added. I am not sure how much I can take, but fortunately or unfortunately I have a strong back and I can handle more. I don't fight the pain or hold back the pain. I just sit here as patiently as I can letting the pain flow through me. I just can't wait till the pain goes away or is so minuscule that its rarely noticed.

I really wish W would just leave me alone. Unfortunately, due to timing (holidays and divorce proceedings) I have to interact with her a little more than I want to. W blew up my phone today, but I ignored it. She started texting saying I needed to call her about the divorce paperwork. So I called her up. Luckily, she was in her office so she had to stay relatively calm. Paperwork for the final decree was going to be emailed for our approval, before submittal to the judge. W had to pay filling upfront so she needs half payment. We started to have a disagreement about child scheduling portion as she said nothing was going to be included and we were doing all that off the books. I later found out she was misinformed as the mediator followed our 2-2-3 plan and put a generic holiday schedule in for us to change. Anyway, she wants as little to be handled by the court as possible. To a point I agree, however I told her we have to have a baseline to fall back on when things don't work out. That's why we have rules and laws. She gets mad and wants to know who is whispering in my ear, she thought we were going to have a successful coparents R. She starts threatening going and getting a lawyer, etc. I just counteracted with validation and letting her know that at this point neither of us could afford to go that route. She brought up a few other things she was trying to bully me on, but I de-escalated her arguements. Hell, she even implied that she didn't want to have to take the kids away from me. Lol that argument would be weak and I have been gathering information since BD to protect myself if things really got sideways. I also had the opportunity to drop my leverage on her as she doesn't want the 6 months OP introduction clause in the decree and says she is not dating or seeing anyone. I could have used the R2C we both know your lying prompt, but what's done is done and I think I just need to move forward and keep the roads paved smooth.

Like LH and a few of you vets say this is at least a year before it all plays out. I'm really starting to come to terms with the marathon. I hurt very badly, but I am going to try and pivot really hard on these emotions, and this experience to better myself with a new zeal. I am quinching the little voice in my head to improve for her or to attract her. No, I am doing this for me and me alone.

I still stand for my M and recon right now. What's going to happen down the road as I am moving forward and it appears she isn't?