It was only after I started the DB process that I realized not only the contributions I made that lead to this, but also the deep-rooted causes of why I was who I was. I would have never addressed my NGS if it was not pointed out to me. I would not have started the process of finding my balls. And I certainly would not have made such strong bonds with a bunch of folks from all walks of life here. This board is my primary source of support.
Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us, Pain. For me, it has always been about the individual person who is reaching out for help. It is seeing that individual rising from the ashes of their MR and refusing to allow it to define themselves as a loser. It has been such an encouragement to see people discover their own sense of self value and to make remarkable changes in their lives. IMHO, you have been one of those people. That's not to say your story has ended, b/c our personal stories never end as long as we have a breath left in us. I just mean that you are going to be one of those who will be able to look back on your journaling and see the distance you traveled.
Thank you. That means a lot to me. I am getting the same feedback from others as well about the changes I have went through these last 5 months. I still have not brought myself to look back at how I was when I first came here versus how I am now. Maybe once this chapter of my life closes completely I can revisit and see how much I have grown.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Originally Posted by pain18
I'm not sure if these are common thoughts that the most LBS goes through or if we're the minority. All I know is that no matter how many people tell me how things will get better, the belief of that is simply not there. I put my hope into that thought, as evidenced by my posts on coincidental sunrises, and songs, and whatnot.
When you say the belief of that is simply not there, are you referring to the belief your MR will get better...….or your life will get better....should there be a divorce?
If you asked me this question three months ago, I would have responded that there is no belief that my MR would get better. Now, it is different.
Now it's more about my life and where it is going and how I can control my happiness, regardless of the outcome. I am getting stronger and more confident in myself, but I am still...scared about the thought of D. I am trying to avoid it as much as possible but I know that I need to start getting prepared for it. Living as is is barely tolerable. I deserve better. D4 deserves better. If all of the other options fail and divorce is the only way out...then I need to go through with it.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Originally Posted by pain18
But right now, it's just really dark, really lonely, and is killing my self-esteem.
The words that jumped out to me in that paragraph "is killing my self-esteem". You may be writing from a place of deep hurt on what's suppose to be a joyous occasion, and may not want to expound on it. However, if you don't mind.....can you explain how it is killing your self-esteem? I think living under the same roof is affecting your self-esteem and keeps your anger right beneath the boiling point. But, that's JMHO. Who am "I" to tell any LBS how to feel? I'm not.
Sandi, it was a very depressing morning yesterday. Christmas historically been wonderful and felt like a wonderful, surreal dream when I was spending it with WW. Yesterday when WW left with D4 to celebrate Xmas with "friends" (OM), it just reminded me again of the depressing days before I met my W. Those thoughts then snowballed into a total negative thought process and took me to a dark Christmas day in which I ended up in a screaming match with my father after he told me that no one wanted to date me because I was too fat. So...PTSD.
Even though I try not to let living under the same roof affect me, it does. I cannot lie about it. But I also know that I deserve to sleep in MY house in MY bed. Right now, the anger is being kept at bay, which is hard to do considering the circumstances. I do my best to GAL on the days I share the house, but sometimes there are periods where I cannot really go anywhere. Yesterday was one of those days.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Both spouses contribute to the breakdown of a MR, IMHO. Nobody knows better than the other spouse. I don't think it makes either of them a failure at everything else in their life. Perhaps the MR fails......but it does not mean either of the spouses are less human, or that they will never be able to feel happiness again. Thank God that our worthiness as a human being is not measured by just one relationship; just one job or career; or on one chance in life. ((hugs))
Quote
I know it takes two, Sandi. Two to make a marriage work. And I know my part of the breakdown in our marriage and I think WW knows as well. I just go back to the days when I was being warned constantly that something was wrong and I brushed her off, while making matters worse when I go on my angry and hurtful rants, holding affection back, and outright ignoring her. I wonder if I am still making the same mistakes (the no attention part) or if it is the process I should employ for this.
[quote=sandi2][quote=pain18]I have been told I am a wonderful man and that I do not deserve this. I really don't know how to respond to that anymore.
My suggestion is to quietly say, "Thank you". No need to discuss the sitch. You know, we often tell one another on the board that we deserve better, etc. One day, a Newbie told me that everyone deserved better. In other words, it wasn't helping him for me to tell him things like that. Sometimes, friends, family. or co-workers want to say something comforting, but don't know what to say. So, just know they mean well, and leave it at that.
I don't know if your M will last, however, I believe you will be okay if it doesn't. (See, there I go again, telling you that you'll be okay). The failure of a MR, does not determine you or your W fail as individual people. Some people have their identify so enmeshed or attached to the M, they cannot see themselves as an individual. They cannot foresee themselves being happy without their current spouse. They don't know how to go about having a "new" life, b/c everything about them has been defined by the M. Men with NGS may find it difficult to imagine carving out a life without their XW, b/c they saw their identification as being someone's husband. Same applies for some women who centered their life to having a home, raising children, being a good wife, etc.
I don't think anyone knows if my M will last much longer, Sandi. And that just is the "right" answer for when folks come on here looking for an answer to that question. I know I will be ok...I have to be. I just am afraid of going through the dating and courtship process again if I have to move on from current WW. The unknown is scary when it comes to dating. Even moreso when I consider the history I have had with dating. I think that is what is most upsetting. History repeating itself.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Changing the subject just a bit...…….what have you been doing to physically work off your pent up anger?
Sending you a big hug (((Pain))).
I have been lifting, starting to meet new people, and starting to truly relinquish my anger. It was after WW pointed out to me that I was acting like an a$$hole that I had to look at myself and ask if the behavior I am exhibiting now was how I used to be before BD. And I would have to agree with her and say "Yes."
But I'd be lying if I would not have any justification for my feelings nor would others who sympathize with my plight. And I would also be fooling myself into believing that I can anger my way towards a better life because that is definitely not working.
